twists and turns
When I was 13 I was saved in a born again christian church. My younger brother had just passed away and my grandparents introduced the word of God to us. Of course like any other teen I hated going, but after awhile became quite attatched. I hated leaving and couldn't wait to go back the next sunday, or for midweek bible study. I just loved being there. It felt so safe.
On a bad note, the church fell apart. The Pastor moved away, and nobody liked my parents.. I'm not really sure what happened, but all I knew is that we couldn't go there anymore because it broke up.
After leaving I was about 15. I got into the normal things that teens these days do, drugs, alcohol..all of the above. I tried my first cigarette, drug and alcoholic drink at the age of 15. I knew what it was like on the other side. When in youth group, the other teens would talk about how they used to be and I just sat there thinking to myself... I have no testimony. At that time, i was probably destined to do great things yet did not know it. But now, I have a testimony.. and I've grown, but it was all down the wrong road.
I won't go into the details but the following year started a trend for me. I was 17 now and tried even more things. ..a harder drug, an everyday smoker, alcohol every weekend and then sex. I wouldn't consider myself a bad person or the typical lost person. I knew who God was to me but I didn't grasp living the life associated with him. Obviously since I had only known that life when I was younger and pure. As the years went on (as I think back now) I was living each moment to the next, trying to become whole again, to become unbroken.. I was looking for the next high basically (not drug speaking). It would feel good for awhile, then come crashing down somehow. It became a cycle that I often felt this is just my fate.
Around the age of 22 I fought God immensly on a certain fate. I created a horrible situation by fighting God and trying to make things work MY way. Well God backed off as I again went and made a fool...and of course...finally gave up with barely anything of myself left. This probably doesn't make sense but it's hard to explain either way.
I experienced some of the worst pain I've ever had..and it still even lags me down these days. I am not the same person I used to be.
I started praying again, reading the bible...desperately seeking God, but I had no idea how to or what to do. Around the age of 24 my mind started to change. I let God have control back and things started working out in my favor. I had hit rock bottom and had nothing. My dad was the only reason I was not out on the street...and well God mostly. I gained the things back that I needed with a whole new mind frame.
Now today at the age of 26, I still have regrets. I try not to let them weigh me down but they have a way no matter how hard I pray sometimes. I am dating the greatest guy that God could ever have sent me without even asking for him. I still can't believe how blessed I am to have him in my life, and he too is a christian struggling along the way as well. He was saved at the age of 13 as well.
We both go to church each sunday and are even getting more involved in classes that they offer on learning the basics of christianity. Everything I know was in that old church, in that young age. So I guess it makes sense that things don't feel the same. I am often confused, paranoid and am fighting to stay focused daily. I'm not sure what Gods plan is for me, especially after the things I've done, after feeling so unworthy,, even these days, my boyfriend by my side atleast assures me that I was able to have something great even after the horrible things I've done. I am finding a way, and trying my best to stay near God and listen to him and obey him. I'm just not sure I know what I'm doing. I guess it's a partial positive testimony. I am haunted by thoughts and feelings of my past almost daily that it wears me down sometimes. Jumping into new things are all I know right now. But because of God, in another sense I am alive again. I've thought about getting rebaptized being since my life went down the tubes after the first time. I knew what I was doing but I had no idea what sin was or felt like. I'm not sure if one can get baptized again? Either way... I'm sorry that this was so long. But thanks for reading anyway. :o)