I have lived half of my life –or perhaps more than half, as I do not know for sure, I will be allowed to live another forty somewhat years- being scared. I was scared of many things. I was scared to be left alone, I was scared I was not good enough, I was scared, I am too much, I was scared of the Wicked Witch, and the Monster, I was scared of the Wizard, I was scared of being lost in the land of the Oz, and never finding my way home. I was scared of being discovered where I’d hidden, in that scary, dark cave, that was intended to be my sanctuary, but became my jail. . I was scared of being poor, being vulnerable, weak. I was scared I will be used, I was scared of love, and relationships, I was scared, I will never love, and never be loved. I was scared of dying, and I was scared, I will never have the chance to start living before I die.
I asked questions of myself, and I questioned myself a lot. I was trying to figure out how to improve, how to better myself, how to please others, how to change my ways, my appearance, my taste, my cooking, the way I moved, the way I walked, talked, thought and felt: all to please others, all to gain acceptance, approval, all to ensure, I will not be left alone, I will not be hurt. I thought, I was doing something wrong, I thought, I deserved what I got, I thought, if I would figure out the Right Way, things would be better, things would be perfect, and I would, finally, find someone to love and someone to love me.
I did not ask the real important questions until a year ago, but since then, I’ve never stopped asking. I did not ask questions, that I thought, I knew the answer, and I believed, felt, just KNEW the answer would hurt me. Ask no questions, you won’t get hurt, you won’t get lied to. I started to ask questions without expectations of hearing the Right Answers only a few months ago. I am glad I started, and now, I will never stop asking.
I have learned, that the light of clarity can be blinding sometimes, especially to eyes, that had been closed shut, and covered with both eyes. I have felt the sharp pain of the light in my eyes that were used to darkness, and were not trained to see the truth. But, I have learned, that the more questions I ask, the more light bulbs go turn on in the darkness of my mind, in my heart, and in my soul. I learned, that the more light there is, the clearer the picture becomes. It is getting lighter in the cave, and although there are still shadows on the wall, and dark corners unlit, it is liberating to being able to see what is around me, what is inside me, what is assumed, and what is real. I have opened my eyes, I have light the candles of clarity, I have burned the midnight oil, and I saw, for the first time, that I might be the only one in this cave, but I was never, ever abandoned, I was never left alone. I am not alone. There are those, who were waiting there, in the darkness, waiting for me to wake up, so that I would start asking questions, so that they can start tell me the answers, so that they can lead me out, so that I can be lead to safely to the other side of the mirror, to outside of the cave, to the other side, that is not the other side at all.
Nefretiti and Gisa the Egyptian Princess, Rai, the God, Aphrodite, Venus, Eros and all the Others, the summation of soul particles, that The One is made of, have been sleeping with me, had been sleeping inside of me, for thousands of years, inside the pyramid, inside the temple, inside the church, in the void of life, in the center of the Universe, in the center of the other side, in the center of the Force, I existed, engulfed by Life, surrendered by Love. I was resurrected and am awake and aware in a dark place, that might be a tomb, or might be the sacred cubicle, on the top of the pyramid…I remember the view from up there, from lifetimes ago: one, The One can see the whole Universe from the top, once one, The One makes Her way out of that dark, musty, scary place.
Reality is not as I have dreamed it would be, it is not as great as I thought, it could be, it is not as perfect, as I imagined it would be. However, I have learned, that reality is not as bad either, as I have seen it, assumed it, and feared it in my worst nightmares. Sure, I am still in the cave. I am still not outside basking in the light of love, I am not swimming in the ocean of love, I am not riding off to the sunset, -reverse it might be-, I am not flying over pyramids and wildflower patches, I am not an eagle, , not The One that is being loved, but I am The One that loves, The One seized by Love itself, The One, Love lives, laughs and loves vicariously through. I haven’t found love, but Love has found me. I have not been rescued, but I found out, I was never in need of being rescued. I have not been saved, but I’ve learned, I can save myself, and I have nothing to be saved of, I have nothing, but the darkness of my own fears to fear.
I can see, that there are doors and pathways, here, some hidden, some wide open all around me, and the wall itself is becoming more and more transparent every day. I am still in here, but I know, there is a way out. I just have to keep asking questions, keep opening and closing doors, and behind Door Number One, or Door Number One-Thousand, there is the price, the jackpot, there is the way.
I might have already opened the right door, I might be on the right path, I might be on the way to find the cheese. Or, I might find out, that behind the door I have chosen, there is nothing, but another cave, perhaps with more doors, perhaps a dead end. I might run out of time before I find the right door, and perhaps, there IS no right door at all, there is no jackpot, there is no ocean, there is no sun, there is no other side, there is nothing out there at all. I am awake, aware, and I am lighting more and more candles, light bulbs, bonfires and I am lighting up the bushes, creating my own signs, my own miracles, my own reality, on my way to the reality, that, in my worst nightmares, does not exists at all.
But, in my dreams that are no longer fantasies, I am an eagle, I am flying over pyramids, churches and temples, I am flying directly into the sun, and I am not afraid of falling, I know, the Air is my element, I can never fall. . I swim in the ocean, and I am not afraid to sink to “A Thousand Kisses Deep”, the Water is my element, I can never drown. I am not afraid of being buried under a patch of wildflowers in Kansas, I know, the Earth is my element, I can never be buried alive. I am not afraid of jumping into a burning bush of fire, I know, The Fire is my element, I might be burned to ashes, but like the phoenix, I will rise again. I am not afraid of death, because I have died a thousand deaths in my life, and I know, when I die, I will exist as I had always existed. I am not afraid of the dark, for I know, Darkness is but the other side of Light, and I know, I am already, always been, always will be on the Other Side, I will always be Light.