The Gift of Depression: Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body
I called Rashid as my absolute last resort, before dialing 911, and let them haul me away, wherever they wanted to take me, to drug me up, to put me in a padded room, to tie me to the bed, to shock me, or remove part of my brain…anything, to save my life, to save me from myself, to save me from my brain, to save me from the pain. I could not stand the pain any more.
Did the thoughts cause the wave of chemicals raging through my body, my cells…or did my brain cause the thoughts I do not know. All I know, that I felt the fog setting in again…the terrible wave of pain approaching, a tidal wave of horror…and I wanted to be dead again. Terrible, physical and emotional pain….pain….and I did not even know why? Did I feel rejected? I do not know. Did I feel unloved? I do not know? Did I feel unworthy? I do not know. All I knew, I could not take it anymore. I just could not. If I did not kill myself, the pain would kill me.
But, I fought. I did not want to die. I felt the fight inside me…I felt Ms. Frankenstein, my own personal monster, telling terrible things to me…repeating all the terrible things, my mother told me, my father told me, my ex told me, my friends told about me, and Sasa told me…they were all right. THEY WERE RIGHT. I was ugly, and fat, and useless, and not wanted, and so easily forgotten, so easily replaced, I was not important, I was not good enough, I should have been ashamed of myself, I was such a pussy, such a fake, such a weak, terrible person…I was dirty, I was ugly, I was old, I was crazy…I was a mistake, I deserved to die…and if I should, my friends, and my family even, would cry, and say, oh, why did she do it, and what a coward, and what a waste…why did she do this TO US…but in a week, or a month perhaps, they would be all back to their hotty sex, and puddle grooming appointments, and jobs in the brothels, and s searches for relationships that come ready with two bedrooms, and white picket fences, and fucking young boys in the back of the cars, and they would forget about me, they would not even miss me…no one would miss me, not even I, if I was alive.
Do it! Do it RIGHT this time, forget about suicide notes, and DO it right here…who cares, who finds you, who cares…just do it. Do it, and you will feel no more pain.
And, I screamed, NO! I DON’T want to do it, I don’t want to die, I am not going to do it, please, just please, stop this pain…HELP ME…somebody, please help me..
Then I heard a voice. The voice I have heard so many times ago. The voice I've heard since I was eight and had a "near death" experience. The voice that has always spoke to me, although I succeeded in blocking it out, to ignore it, to hide from it. After all, I wanted to be "normal". I did not want anybody, especially myself to think, I was crazy, hearing voices and seeing entities. But now...since two weeks ago, when I tried to kill myself, I WAS officially "crazy". I was "mentally ill". I was "suicidal". I was "depressed". I was diagnosed having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was diagnosed, labeled, boxed, drugged...I WAS crazy.
The voice said: call…call somebody to help you. Call…talk to somebody, talk right now. Find one person, it is all that it takes…find one person…and do not die.
I knew, I do not want to call Joan. She would send the police. In this country, when you need a hug, people send the police. I did not want to call Colleen, or any of the others. I would want to kill myself after talking to them, more. I called Emese. She was at work, and she talked to me, as much as she could…but she knew, and I knew, she is my daughter, I can’t tell her, I can’t….
Then, I called Sasa, my ex boyfriend, the one who left me for a "normal" woman, a woman with no voices, no entities, no drama, no complications, no gift, no talent...a mundane, simple, "normal" relationship. I did not care, what he is going to say, or do, or he will know I am desperate, and crazy, I will not even ask him to talk to me, I will go to the hospital, but I can’t drive, and if I have to go, I will, but, please do not make me again drive in the back of a police car…I called him, and he did not answer the phone.
I called Emese again, but she was busy, a customer came in and needed service. I was still trying to save face, and did not tell her exactly how bad I was. I was ready. Ready to either give in, and kill myself, or give in and call 911, and face the “professionals”…and let either the devil, or the mighty system, whichever is worse, whichever comes first, to take me, to take my soul.
I got another of the anxiety attacks then, and I could not breathe. Great, I thought. I AM NOT calling 911, and now, I will die…and I did not kill myself, no one can blame me, they will find in the autopsy, that I died of natural causes….my heart exploded, my soul has imploded, it is as natural as any other way to die.
But, the voice, Him, the entity I did not even consider identifying, accepting or calling GOD, did not let me. As I was fighting not to breathe, fighting not to call the ambulance, fighting not to be saved…a part of me fought, harder, and harder, to make me breathe, to continue to be alive, to fight until my last breath…and suddenly, I heard it, clear and loud:
CALL RASHID
I did. I called him. Rashid, my friend for the last ten years, the sufi muslim guy. The following, is a verbatim report, of what he said. I wrote it down, as he told me, I made notes….I felt myself coming back, I felt myself getting strong again…and if Rashid would have been in the room, I would have kissed him, I felt so grateful for what he said. Because, Rashid did not know about the entities, the voice in my head, my conversations with "imaginary friends", until this moment, he did not even know I was depressed and suicidal! Yet, he was telling me everything, that He, God wanted me to hear. Rashid was not talking, he did not save me, yet I am forever indepted to him: he let go, he let God to use him, he let God to talk through him. He let God save my life through him. He let God make me understand, I was not cursed but blessed. I was not depressed, but uplifted. I was having a spiritual journey, a transformation...the transformation of the butterfly. I was giving birth to myself. My old self, the construct I have invented to survive, to be approved of, to be loved, to be liked, has died that day, and a new entity, a new being, God's child, God's scribe, translator, the Beloved Gina of God was born. I have not one, but three birthdays. One for the day when I was born into this word. One for the day, when I almost killed myself, but was stopped by God. Finally, most importantly, the day of my resurrection: when I accepted, I was not normal, I was not crazy, I was not special, I was not even gifted: I was simply, wonderfully, miraculously one of God's beloved, I was simply One with God, I was simply on my way to be whom I was always meant to be: Me.
But, I did not know any of this, in that moment, in the darkest place of my soul, in the deepest cavern of the hell I have created for myself. I thougth, I was cursed. I thought, I was deserted. I thought, God, if he existed at all, was out to destroy me, torture me, punish me. I thought, he wanted me DEAD.
- I want the pain to go away. - I sobbed in the phone- I want it to stop. I can’t take it any more. I am sorry, I am not strong enough, I do not want to do it, I just want to die. I want peace.
Rashid did not miss a beat. He did not ask anything. He started talking, and for the next ten minutes or so, he did not stop:
If you want peace, stop fighting. You can not get peace, when you are in the middle of a war. How did the hippies say? Make love, not war…stop fighting.
Feel the pain. Observe it. This is your life, and your profession. You’re on a fieldtrip, and experiment. You know those scientist, who inject themselves with terrible diseases, to test the treatment, the medication, to see, on their own, and to prove, that it works: you will understand your clients, and those you are helping, and you will understand yourself when you are trough this. Report the pain. Observe it. Analyze it. What is it trying to tell you? What it is trying to teach you? What is it’s message? How does it feel feeling this way? How long does it take? What, if any thought makes it go away….
Go through this, GinaBabe. You will be a much better, stronger person at the end.
You told me last year, when you were counseling me, when I was depressed, you told me of that saying…what is that again…pain is weakness leaving the body. I never forgot it…Feel it. Feel weakness leaving your body. Let go of it, all of it. All that melted lava of pain. Let it erupt, leave you. You are being cleansed, purified. When it is gone, there will be nothing left, but your essence, pure and powerful. When it is all gone, there will be nothing but you.
Use what you already know, use the advice of your intuition. Do not care, where are the instructions, the advice come from…forget the circumstances, and what caused, what triggered this journey….Listen to yourself. Turn inside, and explore what you find, no matter how scared you are…go in that dark room of your spirit, and turn on the light. Clean out all the mess….
The floodgates are open, your transformation is nearly complete. Think of it, as if you are on a pilgrimage, as if you are climbing a pyramid, or a steep hill, to a sacred place…one step at the time, stop when you need to, take a break…then keep going, and one day, you will reach the top.
Remember the pain of labor, when you were giving birth to your children? Remember, the light is within you, ride the pain, feel the pain, ENJOY the pain, and after all the pain is gone, give birth to the light, let the light come to live, and let it be.
You’re OK. I am with you. God is with you, whichever God you believe in, my god, Allah, and all the Gods of humanity…for they are truly One. He is with you, inside you, around you, with you. Feel the cocoon, feel the protection. You are in pain, you are suffering, but like a mother suffering through labor, and the fetus is suffering through birth, your suffering is a blessing, not a curse. It’s purpose is life, not death.
When you are in the deepest of your pain, find the light within you, and hold onto it. Let the vomit, the blood, the gunk, the yuck, the dirt, the resentment, fear, hate, mistrust, ugliness leave your body. Let it go, Gina, don’t fight.
You want peace, stop fighting
You want love, let it grow inside you
You have to make room for more, for better to come. You have to cleanse, and purify yourself, every cell of your body…so that it will be able to receive the gift that is to come.
Your mind resists. Your body resists, and is fighting for control. Let it go. Let it all go. It is Ok, it is safe. You’re alone. No body else is there, to see. You are alone, and you are safe. I am here for you, always a phone call away.
Look inside of you. See who you are. I know who you are. You are one magnificent, strong woman. You are one, magnificent, powerful, limitless, almighty soul. I know this, because I know you. I have known you for a long time.
Don’t turn your face away. Look at all the pain, look at all the evil. It would have and destroyed many, and many given into it, into it’s power…but, not you, because you’re strong and powerful. Because you are a good person. You are a wonderful person.
You are still the innocent, pure, loving, compassionate person you were, on the day you were born. You are beautiful, in the real sense. Why else do you think I have been in contact with you all these years?!
All that has been done to you, is not you.
All that has been said to you, is not you.
All that is said about you, is not you.
None of what happened to you, has changed who you are. You are The One and ONLY ONE created to be YOU. The One and Only One strong enough, powerful enough, magnificent enough, good enough, smart enough to finish this journey, your life. Enjoy it. Not many are given the blessing….you are chosen for this, because you are worthy, because you can do it. Do not give in on yourself, do not give in on your soul, do not give in on God.
You are being prepared for bigger and better things. Let go of the weakness, let go of the pain. Let go, and trust that Allah knows what he is doing.
I do not know…is anything that I am saying making any sense to you? I am not a counselor…and I am just saying what comes from my heart. I hope it is helping…and just know, you can call me, any time. I will be here. You have helped me so much, and I respect you so much…you are a wonderful woman, Gina, and do not EVER let anybody tell you otherwise…go back now, and feel the pain. I know you can do it. You are the only one I know, whom I am SURE that can do it. Take care, and call me any time.
I believe now, and Rashid agrees with me, that it was God who talked to me that day. It was Him who told me to call any time. I have called him many times since then. He has never let me down. I am glad I was given the blessing of depression, I am glad for the pain, I am glad for the peace. I am simply glad to be alive. Thank you, Rashid, for letting God save me. Thank you, God.
The Gift of Depression: Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body
Will you also tell us how you came to Heavenletters? And what they mean to you?
With love and blessings,
Gloria
Heavenletters and miracles
The way I stumbled upon Heavenletters is nothing short of a miracle. I have been talking to God, and he has been talking to me, since I was eight, and I experienced a "near death" experience....except, I did not know then, that what I have experienced, was called "near death" experience. I also did not know then, but found out very fast, that what I have experienced, was not "normal". In fact, it was "weird" and even scary to those around me.
When I was 12, something else happened, that made me question the very existence of God...and his intentions. I spent the next thirty years hiding from him and denying him.
Roughly two years ago, I had an experience on top of a pyramid in Cancun, that I could not deny or hide from: nor did I want to. An entity came, surrounded me with his love, and he kissed me...he kissed me awake. My visions, dreams, psychic experiences returned with a vengeance. I was fighting though! Oh, I was fighting with all my might: all I wanted is to be left alone, to be normal, to have a normal relationship with a man, to be loved and to love...I did not want to be weird, I did not want to get up at three in the morning, because God wanted to talk to me...I was afraid, I was loosing my mind.
I am not going to go into details here, (it would take to write a book...in fact, I DID write a book, stay tuned!) suffice to say, that after a lenghty fight I have finally submitted to God, and submitted to his will just around Christmas of this year. I gave in...but I still was not entirely convinced that in fact it WAS GOD/the Force/The Universal Mind/The Universal Soul who was talking through me. I had faith...I trusted, I believed, but I did not KNOW.
Nevertheless, I gave in, for God stated, he wished to use me and my life. I gave in...somewhat grouchily, if I might say. I am at a rather low period in my life, at least materially speaking...I was by now convinced, that ethereally speaking, I was really blessed, after all I've never felt more loved, at peace, content...BUT! One can not live on scriptures alone, and I could not phantom how am I supposed to do God's work, while still make an actual living...I did not trust, that my material well being was important enough for God. Yeah, yeah.,...the grass and the bees and the birds, and He provides...I know all of that, but I did not quite KNEW all of that.
Therefore, I have issued a bet, a challenge to God: I was willing to give him a try, a test out period, a 12 week program. (12 apostles, 12 step programs, 12 days of christmas...12 weeks before I will completely run out of money and end up in the poorhouse...12 seemed like a good number). I promised, I will give Him all I got, I will listen, I will write, I will follow, I will do anything and everything He says, no matter how ridicolous, weird, or impossible it seems. You must understand: I am not a religious person...I do not know how to pray...and in the past, I did not see any evidence, that my prayers would have been answered! He has promised, he will take VERY good care of me. He said: "I am going to use your life, as an example. Do you think, I would show through your life, a way to become depressed and destitute? People do not need to be shown that, they already know how to become depressed and destitute...woman, have faith!"
Well....the 12 week program started yesterday, and the "the first day of twelve week, my true Love gave to me" the following miracles:
1. I googled "Ask God" and found Heavenletters. The very first thing I saw, was the quote "God said" about the methaphor of lighthouses. This is very important: I had almost exactly the same message just yesterday! I knew, for the first time, absolutely knew, that I was not alone, that there are others like me, and that I indeed have connected to a Universal force. I only wish, I would have know about this site, and Heavenletters, about Godwriting earlier! I would have not suffered so much, thinking I was alone, isolated, weird, crazy, abnormal...but, I guess, it was not time yet before... it was time now.
2. The Executive Director of my previous employ, from where I was laid off several months ago due to goverment funding cutbacks, has called me. She told me, she saw a job posting for another agency, and for some reason, she taught of me: she has written a glowing reference letter for me, and promised, she will help me to find a job! My ex boss is trying to find me a job! WOW.
3. Acting on intuition, I took my car into a mechanic shop, to have the "funny" noise it has been making for the last few months checked out. I have been quoted hundreds of dollars to quiet the noise...dollars I do not have. To my utter surprise, the mechanic told me, my problem is a minor problem, and he will fix my car for free! MIRACLE of MIRACLES! I have lived for 45 years, and never heard a car mechanic utter the words: it is minor, I will fix it for free!
4. Within a few hours of registering to Heaven letters, and writing to Gloria...I had a web address for a publisher for my book, and I am awed at how easy it really is.
5. I also had the opportunity to offer my translation services, and thus, hopefully have a Hungarian Heavenletters site running soon.
ALL OF THIS WITHIN 24 hours of my first day!
I am wowed, I am awed, but I am no longer shocked. I shook my head in BELIEF, with glee: THERE IS GOD, HE IS A LIVE GOD. HE IS AS ACTIVE AS EVER. If only...if only we give in, and listen. Well, He has got MY attention now!
I have so much to tell you all. So much. Some of my "babbligns" and samples of my Godletters you can check out on God's Page 3 and 4:
http://www.kinkagod3.blogspot.com/ and http://www.kinkagod4.blogspot.com/ ...this blog has been started by a newly found friend in the UK...(I do not even know his real name!) I just found him last week...it is a VAST page, but you can find my "stuff" by entering "perfect time" or "prophetess" in the edit-find box.
I also have my own blog started now, at
http://www.blogger.com/profile/17692336
and...like I said, stay tuned for my book(s). I won't be able to stop now...nor do I want to. I will write God, I will write for God, I will write until death does not do us part.
Oh MY GODDESS
Dear Oh MY-GODDESS or whatever you like to be called!
Thankyou for sharing your story. At the end, it made me cry, I don't even know why - maybe for an affinity with your soul. I've fighted with the voices and now, when the voice comes, I still send it away, because I'm never sure whether it's my own mind wanting to confuse me. I know many people who have been hiding like you, because they thought they would be considered 'strange'; one of them is my sister. But they are coming out now. It's time.
And death will never separate you/us from God.
With love,
Paula
[HeavenLetters Board Our Personal Spiritual Journeys-Bio's]
Dearest Gina, Oh-Goddess,
I was there, I did that. I am able to do it again too. My arms are about you now, feel my loving embrace and release yourself to me. We are one now and our love is to be equally shared. I need you! I am lost without you. You are my savior. You are my beloved. Your pain, grief, disappointment, fear, are my own and I am your savior. Every second I am born a thousand times over. A million times created in love and move to other planes of consciousness when passing. You are not alone my child. Our eyes, hearts and spirits are upon you.
Now lay on your bed, arms outstretched. Focus on your heart and feel it expanding outwards. Fill your room, now your apt. and/or home. Feel it move beyond your house and fill your neighborhood with your divine love. Bring it into every home, evry person passing by extend it throughout America.. See it now covering the seas and love the billions of creatures who live there. They don't know you, hECK, they don't even know me, regardless, they are love and feel it filling you.. Move your Pink Loving Light over other lands and see/feel it entering every existing thing, and feel their love returning a hundred time over, each and everyone" their love filling you a billion times over. See your planet Earth glowing pink, filled with your and my love, it is love itself, for you and I are Love itself. I am myself and you, as you are me. Hold this intensity of love for as long as you can. Spend hours loving and being loved, for that is who you are. You are love as I am. Because I am, you are. LOVE!
lLPL,
Joe
At 07:41 AM 1/25/2006, you wrote:
Quote: