No Regrets

Scott, my beloved…Here you are in your late 50’s…Do you have any regrets? Yes, I have a few. What are they my beloved?

I regret not loving enough. Scott, who did you not love enough? Mainly myself, which I know sounds a little selfish. But, I also know before I knew about your love for me and your purpose for me, I allowed my ego to get into the way of many things in life. Like what my child? Like people who were mean to me or unkind to me. Scott, were you ever mean and unkind to anyone else? Oh, yes many times. Why? Because I did not really show them the love of God. What did you show them my child?

I showed them the false Scott. What do you mean you showed them the false Scott? I showed them the side of Scott that was out for himself at any cost. The side that said he had to compete and win. The side that said I had to earn others approval so that they would like me. And Scott, when you did this…What was their response to your trying to get their approval, or you trying to get them to like you and love you?

It really only hurt myself I think? How do you feel it hurt you my child? How was going outside of yourself looking for this approval from others hurtful to yourself? It wasn’t fulfilling even when I seemingly got it…that’s why? Why did it not fulfill you my child?
Because it could not fill this deep cavern of emptiness within. What are you referring to my child when you say a deep cavern within?

Did you ever find out what that emptiness was? Yes, but it took me until my late 50’s to discover it. And, what did you discover my sweet child? I discovered I had wasted all those years for trying to please someone who never really cared about me. How do you know they didn’t care about you? Because, after I would do the thing or actions that would win their approval they didn’t care. How do you know they didn’t care? Oh, they might have been amused by me, or laughed at me, or with me…but in the end I never really pleased them.

Why were you trying to please them my child? Because I did not feel good about myself. Why did you not feel good about yourself? Because I felt inferior in some way. In what ways did you feel inferior my sweet child? In all kinds of ways. Like what? Can you give me a for instance? Yes, I could give you many instances. Can you give me a few where you tried but seemingly failed? Yes, I think so. Okay, please try so that I can understand with you. Okay?

Well, one big one is that when I was younger, say about six or seven, my dad wanted me to be a baseball player. I liked baseball too. At age six he bought me a baseball glove, my first ever. Back then, you would oil the baseball glovel. This was oil that softened the leather and it was used by the major leaguers… the pros of baseball.

Well, anyway, I wanted to play too. My dad saw this and honestly tried to help me. I was a typical young boy who wanted to please his dad…I guess like any child wants to please his parents. Yes. Well, I wanted to please my dad too much. What do you mean? Well, I wanted to be the best so that he would like me. You mean your dad wouldn’t like you if you did not perform well for him? Yes, but now I know that is stupid. Yes, but you are a young impressionable boy of six. You haven’t lived a whole lot of life and you were not grown up or experienced enough to know any different. Yes, that is true .

So, tell me what happened to this little boy of six? Well, I would try and try, but, it seemed that whatever I did could not please him…it was not good enough for him. Did he try to instruct you and you took this as correction or something wrong with you? Yes, I guess. I took it like this…I wanted to be the best for him, and in doing so; it was just never enough for him from my younger eyes.

How do you wish it could have turned out? I wish I would have known that my deepest hearts cry was to be recognized for who I was, and not, for what I could be, or do, if I was good enough. Were you ever good enough in your dad’s eyes? No. How did this make you feel? Like I was not good enough and that my dad would not love and appreciate me for who I was. And, who are you?

Back then as a child, I did not know who I really was. Do you know now? Yes, of course I do…I think? What do you mean by I think? Well, now I know I am a piece of you and the world. I woke up in my 50’s after a lot of failures, and blaming’s and shaming’s of myself and others. What made you awake my child? You did. How do you know I awakened you? Because, I started to reflect on my life for the first time ever and wondered what the hell was life all about?

And what happened when you did this inward reflection? I looked back on my life and I said internally…What are you doing Scott? What is life really all about?

What circumstances surrounded you at this time? What was the catalyst to cause you to go into this inward introspection? Dissatisfaction with myself. Dissatisfaction with my lack of happiness and fulfillment. Have you found this happiness and fulfillment now my child? Yes, it is becoming clearer to me…I see flashes of the true reality of life. How did you happen to come upon this understanding my child? I stopped and said internally that something was major wrong here. Something was not right?

What made you discover your dissatisfaction my child? My feelings! Your feelings? Can you elaborate for me what you are saying here? Sure, my feelings were sad…is that good enough? Yes, I am asking you these questions not for my sake but for yours. Yes, I know that. So, please continue to tell me, your God, what kind of feelings were manifesting for you at this time in your life? Okay…Well, I felt unfulfilled, unhappy and confused with my life. Ah ha.

I looked back on my life and reflecting on it, told me that I was not satisfied with it. Okay. The only thing I can tell you is that I knew there was something more and I didn’t have it! How do you think, or what gave you the idea that there was more to life? I don’t know, maybe from you? Yes, I was the originator of this thought for you and I put it into your consciousness. I looked at you and saw you struggling as if you were drowning in an ocean. I came to rescue you from yourself.

You did? Yes, I did. Thanks. You are always welcome my sweet child. You and me have never been separated do you know this? Yes, I know it now, but at the time I did not know it…I was searching though. Wonderful. I like the characteristic and attribute of a searching heart. Why? Because a searching heart tells God, that you have not found what you are looking for yet.

Scott, a quick side-note here. Number one. Thank you, thank you, and thank you for listening to your feelings for once in your life. Why is that important God? You found out that your feelings, when you connected to them, and were willing to listen to their message, that you were honestly dissatisfied with your life. Is that not true ? Yes, that is true . Why did you now start listening to your feelings?

Well, God that is a good question. I know it is. I realized that every time I tried to please others, it did not please me or fulfill me. I guess part of my introspection happened when I hired my life and business coach. Why did you hire a life coach? Because for a couple of reasons. Okay. One was because I wanted my mortgage business to go to the next level? Yes, what do you mean by the next level? Well, I was kind of a one-man show. I wanted to get bigger, and better, and to make more money God. And? I found out that as hard as I tried to take the mortgage company I owned to the next level it did not satisfy me?

How did you know it did not satisfy you? Because, even when things were going pretty well and I was making pretty good income for me and my family it did not satisfy this inward longing that I had? And, did you find out what this inward longing was my child?
Yes, I did God. I found it! Where and how did you find it? I found it partly by this sweet life coach that I hired to help me take my mortgage company to the next level…or so I thought. What do you mean, so you thought?

Well, she must have seen some of this inward struggle I was having. How did she know? I told her. Ahhh…Now we are getting somewhere! What do you mean? Scott, you let down your façade of the un-authentic self, the ego you, and you were vulnerable enough to bear your true st feelings with her. In other words you were honest with her, were you not? Yes, I was.
What happened after your process? It was a very powerful awakening to me? Can you explain that to me? Well, kind of. Okay, do your best. I will. All I can say is that though this process I gained insight into my true st feelings. Do you want me to tell you the whole thing? No…just the highlights. Okay, Well, I was reminded of a scene in my early childhood where my dad and I were playing baseball and practicing by him hitting me ground balls. He was hitting me grounders and I was to field them and catch the balls that were being hit by my dad. How did you do? Not, very well I thought. What made you think you were not doing well my child? My dad was hitting them quite hard to me, harder than I thought he should have for my young age. How did that make you feel? Not good. Why? Because when I started to get hit in the chest or a ball would nearly hit me in the face with a “bad hop” I would want to run from it and get out of its way. So, why was that a problem?

Well, my dad told me to block off the ball as this is what the big leaguers would do. And how did that make you feel? Like I was scared, but I wanted to please him so much I did it anyway. Why didn’t you tell your dad that? Because I wanted to please my dad. Why? Because I guess I wanted him to love me and respect me. And, what have you found out?

I could never be good enough for him? How did you find this out? Because whatever I did in life didn’t seem to be good enough for him. At least that was my understanding at this impressionable time in my life. And? And, this was my first reliving of that moment again.

What happened once this experience was relived? It made me cry. Why were you crying my child? Because I thought as this young boy I will never please my dad and that must mean I am an abject failure. Why would you internalize this event as making you an abject failure? I don’t know…it just did. So, then what happened in this process my child? I was taken to this serene campfire setting and as this young child I was to bring my dad and anyone else to this “campfire” of consciousness, as I call it today, and I was to empty out all the feelings I was feeling at this time in my life.

I was to talk directly to my father and anyone else I brought to this conscious campfire. Okay, who did you bring to this campfire? Well, my dad for one. Anyone else? Yes, I brought my mother and older sister Susan as well to this campfire. Okay, what happened next? I was to speak with my father who was across from this young boy at the tender age that I was. Okay. Also, the present day me was there too. What do you mean the present day you? This was who I am as an adult today. Okay, why? Well, because the present day me was to be a witness of the event and he would have a chance to voice his feelings too.

Well, the younger me was supposed to empty out my true feelings of what I was really feeling with this event or memory of the past that came into my consciousness. Okay. So, I began to tell my father how much it hurt me that he was hitting the ground balls to me so hard. That it was not fair to me at that age and that I was not capable of fielding the balls he was hitting to me. And what else? Well, my dad was supposed to speak back to me after I emptied out all of my feelings. And, how did your dad take this?

He was sorry, and he told me that he was doing it for my own sake. He told me that his dad hardly ever saw any of his sporting events and he was not going to make the same mistake with me. And, how did that make you feel? Better. Why? Because I had a deeper understanding of why my dad was hitting the ground balls so fast to me. Why?
Because my dad wanted me to be better than him. He wanted me to grow up with a dad that was interested in him, unlike his own father. Yes. And just the fact that I saw this insight made me realize that my dad was not being hard on me to just be hard on me. He was trying to give me something that his dad, who was absent, was not able to give him. And, how did that make you feel? Wonderful. Why wonderful? Because I saw my dads heart for the first time.

Then what happened? Well, once the younger me how emptied out all my feelings verbally at this campfire, and I felt I had said everything I could say, that I did not say at this age, I felt a change. What kind of a change? Did you feel better? Oh, yes. Was that the end of it? No. What happened next? It was time to forgive my father for the seeming act of inconsiderateness to this young boy. Meaning to you? Yes, the younger me. Were you able to fully forgive him for his behavior even though his actions hurt you at the time?

Yes, I forgave him completely. Also, I had a chance for the present day me to express and empty out all my hostile feelings towards his indiscretions too. How did that go? It went well. I was able to finally express all that I never expressed to him in person. Why did you not express to your dad fully when you had a chance to as this young boy, or even as you got older? I had tried to forget the whole thing. And did your trying to forget the whole thing serve you? No, I carried it with me on my shoulders the rest of my life. Why did you do this my child? I guess, because I was not willing to express my truth to him for fear he would reject me.

And what did you learn from all of this in the process? That I was untrue to myself by not expressing my true st and deepest feelings to my dad. Was that your dad’s fault or yours? Mine. My dad didn’t know what or how that event in my childhood felt. Knowing what you know now what would you do to express yourself better? I would just bear my heart to him even if it seemed to wound or hurt him. Okay, why? Because, now I know that I was not being true to that little boy. How did you know this my child? Because I was finally able to express my truth and my feelings to my dad. You mean the truth set you free?

Yes, saying and expressing the truth set me free to be me! Then, after the present day me forgave my father and said everything he wanted to say at the time, but couldn’t, he had to forgive him too. How did that make you feel after the younger you and the present day you forgave completely your dad? Unbelievable! I felt free! I felt as if I weighed 50 pounds lighter. Wow, 50 lbs. is a lot. Yes, that is what it felt like to me though. A huge weight fell off me that day.

So, was this the beginning of the awakening of your soul? Yes, it was. Wonderful. Are you completely fulfilled now? Well, I am still getting there. I realize that it is not a one time thing, but a process or journey, if you will. Yes, I will. It is a journey isn’t it my child? Are you starting to figure out that your journey is endless and you will never really end up at a final destination? Yes, God. It is hard for my human mind to fathom it, but yes. Are you up for it Scott? Yes, I think I am. My heart says yes. And, Scott, that is all I require. I only require that your heart say yes to me. This willingness, truth of self, and openness will take you there. Scott, just stay as a child before me. Be teachable, pliable, and bendable. When you don’t know where to turn…turn to me. I have the experience you need…I have been there, and done that! I can be your greatest asset if you will but let me. Notice, you have to let me. I will never force my way into your life. It goes against my universal laws that I have established. You must take the initiative to invite me along with you on this wonderful journey. I say wonderful, because that is exactly what it will be with me as your divine partner. Absolutely Wonderful!

Scott, so I hope you have enjoyed this conversation with your God. Yes, I have enjoyed it immensely.

I will never leave you or forsake you….I love you dearly my beloved! My love is endless and everlasting…nothing can separate us. Do you know this? Yes, God, I believe it. Yes, but do you know it? Yes, I know it!

I am so in love with you my child,

God