A short story of my Spiritual Journey
I know I already wrote and posted the story of my life on this forum, but
I wrote this story of my spiritual journey for Gloria, as we are kind of making trials for an online workshop. I didn't want to post it on the forum but Gloria thinks that it could be an inspiration for someone. Anyway, it's different from the story of my life as I tried to keep it short talking only about the spiritual turning points. Well, here it is:
MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY
I can say that my spiritual journey began only after my father’s death, when I was about forty years old. Till that moment I’d had no thoughts about religion or spirituality. When I was a child, I knew there was something more to life, but the Lutheran religion considered sinful anything that was fun, so I refused it completely. When I had my First Communion, I expected something miraculous to happen, just a feeling perhaps, but nothing happened.
So I just lived my worldly life getting more and more depressed. And when my father died, I touched the bottom. I can remember the exact moment when the spark in my heart was lit: it was a look from the eyes of a man who recognized me. And so I recognized myself. Then I found, apparently by chance, a book entitled ‘Knowing yourself to Love God’. It was the first of many. I never seemed to have enough. I wanted to be enlightened and the most enlightened of all.
It was my ego that wanted to shine in front of other people. I was given what I wanted. I had an experience where I was first taken up, admired by everyone, above all by the voices I heard in my head. And then I was taken to hell, with the same voices denigrating me. In one week’s time I was confronted with all my deepest desires and all my deepest fears. Eventually I got out of it, and I learned the lesson. But this experience left in me also a fear and a distrust in the messages and the voices that come from the ‘other side of the veil’.
I kept reading spiritual messages and, eventually, started translating them. But I was very selective on what to believe and what to translate. And every time I thought I’d found the top, that there couldn’t be anything that went beyond, something even more profound came to me. Now, I realize that there’s never an end to learning and to knowledge. I must admit that I don’t know where I am on my spiritual journey. And maybe it doesn’t matter either. To be honest, I just feel tired of the doubts and struggles. At times, I would just like to stop existing.
I’ve been looking for knowledge and enlightenment from outside. I’ve been trying to find a master or a guide, but it seems that I don’t have any. I used to follow an Indian teacher, a very evolved and loving master. He gave me a seed of a holy tree which he'd received from his old Master. Then one day I went on an excursion in a hermitage, a sacred cave located under a flow of water and I felt I had to leave the seed there and I heard this quiet voice that said: 'You will have no other masters but me.' - I felt it was God speaking to me, but I’ve never admitted it to myself.
I always felt I was somehow connected directly to God, but I thought it was presumptuous from me to believe it. Now I’m tired of my own doubts and I would like to try Godwriting to see whether I can overcome my own fear. The only question in my secret heart is: Am I truly to connect directly to God? And my only desire is to overcome my ego and my little personality and be – without any doubt – a hollow reed for God’s love to pour into the world.
Writing my spiritual journey was very important because it made me notice many things. I never realized what God really means when he says that we should see like Christ did. But now I realize that it's only recognizing people. The man who looked at me actually 'saw' me, and that lit a spark inside me and I realized that I truly existed. I also realized that what blocks my Godwriting is a fear of connecting to something else than God. And I also realized that I don't want any beautiful and gentle words, but I would like a straighforward guidance for my own life, to be able to serve God at best. (But I think this is not how they work on the other side. - Because of this free will stuff, of course.)