I am Who I am
The following story is one of my earliest experiences, since I was awakened on the top of the pyramid in Chitzen Itza. I am sharing this with you, to demonstrate the journey, the steps of the pyramid: to demonstrate, that "enlightement" and acceptance does not always come in a split second.
Even when it DOES...when God himself reaches down, and touches our heart and soul, it i so easy to forget, to get scared again. Then, -as I was-, we might become DOUBLE depressed: depressed over what is happening or does not seem to be happening in our life, wishing for a miracle, and knowing, the miracle has already happened...being afraid, we got the chance, but failed the test. Thinking, "He" will not come again. Believing, He will, or already have given up on us.
Believe me: I was a hard assingment! Even though I have been having experiences since I was eight...I did NOT, I REFUSED to believe! In spite of my own "powers" and experiences, I was the most sceptical person you've met. If nothing else, because I believed, that believing in God, being "religious" meant, no more fun! I did not want to be a saintly woman, a godly woman, a religious woman...therefore, I denied and rejected all the messages, the experiences.
It has been almost two years ago, that I was awakened on the top of a pyramid, by an entity. Yet, it took two years of "ethereal therapy", unconditional love sessions, miracles, signs, insgihts, visions, it took several angels, and repeated Godly interventions, before, I, Gina, the independent, headstrong, sassy, analytical woman would finally give in, and accept: God was real. He was on my side. I want to be on his side too....
Why I am sharing all of this, here, on my blog, and writing a book? Because I know, I am not alone...I also know, how much it would have helped me, if I KNEW all along, I was not alone. I am hoping, someone will stumble upon these "letters in a bottle", and it will be the exact thing, that will help them to finally give in, to submit, to accept the Truth.
But He did not give up on me. The following was one of the first visits. You already know, if you read my previous post, that I tried to kill myself at one point. Would you be suprised, if you found out, my lowest point came almost a year after this experience? I WAS. I was suprised, and depressed. I felt, I was given all these experiences, and yet, I could not believe in them. I felt, it was no use, I was of no use, I was worthless, and hopeless, if even God himself could not heal me....
At the end, he did. He healed me. But first, he needed to destroy ALL of my self constructed ideas. He needed to destroy all whom I THOUGHT I was, in order for me to finally take a look at whom I was meant to be.
This is why, I now say, my depression, and yes, even my suicide attempt was the best thing that ever happened to me...and example of God using Evil for the purposes of Good, for God. At the time of this following insight, I did not know this yet. I thought, I was already on the bottom, I thought, things can't get any worse. I was already depressed, except I did not know, and did not want to accept. After all, being depressed would have interfered with the life I was faking to live...
Maybe there is someone, who needs to read this. Someone, who is trying to diet, to loose weight, who is trying desperately to be whom they are not. Someone, who is trying to fix that ain't' broken: to perfect God's perfectly flawed and flawlessly perfect creation.
The following is an excerpt from a book I have written, and now, am feverishly trying to finish, to publish, because, I know, it is time. How do I know? Well...two years ago, you would not have caught me dead saying this: God told me. :D
Here I was, at 2AM in the morning, still unable to sleep. I was, sipping green tea, listening to my favorite classical music CD, contemplating the insights I have received, and the difference it made in my life. I reflected, that I no longer feel the need to search for Love, as I now knew Love is with me all the time. But, I was still unsure, whether I was lovable. Whether I can give my permission and consent to experience the nakedness and openness required to connect with another soul.
I have spent my entire lifetime constructing a persona who was guarded, who was rational and who did not need love to survive. I constructed a funny, self-confident (some might say arrogant) person, always positive, always helpful, always needed...I have done everything to ensure people will need me, want me, and want to be with me.
However, I was never convinced, that anybody would LOVE me if they would know that I was really afraid and scared inside. That I was terrified of being alone. Of being left alone. I believed that others only wanted me when they needed me. I made sure, that they needed me, if for nothing else, to have a good time. But, I was also resentful of the fact, that apparently, no one was there for me, when I needed them. In my perception, once I was not needed, no one would stay with me. A self-fulfilling prophecy that resulted in a number of co-dependent relationships, and men, who have left as soon as they found somebody more useful, or more gullible.
I knew Love was all around me and in me…but I still did not want to be alone. What is the purpose of having love surrounding me, of being love, if you can't share with other person. What is love for, if I am afraid of sharing it. Is my love insufficient, less than perfect, if others don't need it? Am I unlovable, if others don’t want to share their love with me?
I have done a lot of transformation lately, at least on the outside. I was wondering what else do I need to improve myself. To be worthy of love. To be closer to what others (of course, I still meant men by others) needed or wanted to love. True to my efficient, compulsive and rational nature, I started to prepare a mental "to do" list of self improvement projects that were needed in order to reach standard of worthiness of love, as I understood it. Actually, the list frighteningly resembled the requirements men were posting for on the Internet Personals for their “perfect match”. Except, I did not yet realize this fact. I did not intend to post a profile, or even attempt to find anybody. Not yet, anyway. Not only because I already knew from my first insight, that there was no wrong or right place to look for love. I knew that love will come to me if and when it is time, and needed. But, I was somewhat scared, that I am not ready for LOVE. That it would catch me with my pants down so to speak, and leave.
There was nothing wrong with the list...but there was a lot wrong with the reasons. The list included quitting smoking,(not for health reasons, but for social acceptability), quitting school and paying off my debt (to achieve financial security), returning school at a later time to achieve status and validation of a "postgraduate" standing, maybe starting a business to have the "self-employed" status, meanwhile, obtain and maintain a not only slim, but athletic body, have plastic surgery to correct my vision, to get rid of the wrinkles I've started to develop, and perhaps a breast implant...Join more clubs, volunteer more, learn how to ski, and to understand football and baseball...and on and on and on the list went.
Suddenly, I've been interrupted by the raspy voice of an old woman. She said: "You are a fool. You are trying to fix what ain't broken. What is worse, you're trying to be a fake in order to be perfect"
Of course, by now, being a seasoned insight-recipient, nothing startled or frightened me. I've already accepted that either I am truly receiving insights from unearthly visitors, or a I am schrizophenic. Either way, these visions and insights did not seem to interfere with my life, nor hurt anybody, and seemed to make to feel me better than I've ever felt. So, what the heck, it might be perfectly normal to see an old black woman in gypsy clothes sitting on my couch next to me, sipping tea from an old, battered copper mug, smoking a pipe, and apparently, wanting to enlighten me. I observed through, that she seemed much less refined, less polite, more arrogant, and less holly than my previous visitor was. So, I’ve proceeded to discuss the matter on hand with her without further delay.
I know I am a fake. But, isn’t true that “you have to fake it until you make it”? I am trying to fake to be perfect until I can be perfect. What is wrong with that?
Nothing, except that you are already perfect. By trying to improve yourself all your life to fit the standard of perfection set by your parents, husband, boyfriends, friends, society, and men you haven’t even met yet, nor do know if they are worthy of meeting, you are ruining perfection. You, like every body on this earth, were as perfect as perfection itself, when you were born. But, you believed all the lies that told you are faulty. Your problem is not that you are afraid to show who you are. Your problem is that you do not know who you are.
Well, I do not feel perfect, and the person I think I really am, is certainly not perfect by any standard.
That’s exactly it. The person you THINK you are. The person you are TRYING to be is not perfect. The person you are FAKING to be is not perfect. The standard is faulty, not you. But, like you, most humans would do anything and everything to be like that faulty standard of perfection, even if it ruins their life. You are so hungry for validation and approval from others, that you forget to honor and respect your self. And, to add insult to injury, humans call this “personal growth” and “self-improvement”.
So, what do you suggest? That I stop improving, stop growing, just “accept who I am and live with it”? How can that be Perfection?
Accept who you are? The problem is, you don’t know who you are, only what you have become to believe about yourself, and who you think you are. Know Thyself. Honor thyself. Let yourself be. Trust me, once you know who you REALLY are, living up to your own standards, letting your true shelf shining trough taking care and loving your own self, will be hard job enough, and it will take you several life times to perfect the art of letting you just being yourself.
So, who am I? When can I see and/or meet this “perfect” person?
Whenever you are ready. Beware: once you know the truth, there is no way back. Knowing who you are comes with a responsibility. Once you know the true you, you MUST be true to her. You will want to treat her right, as you will realize that she deserves to be treated with respect. You will want to honor her, because you will realize she is honorable. You will want to do all of the things on your list, and more…but this time, you are going to do it for her, and on her behalf…not to meet any other standard, but your own.
However, know that the outside standards are strong. Millenniums of conditioning and brainwashing are hard to overcome. There will be times when you will have to choose between honoring yourself, or honoring the standards of your friends, family or society. Many will resist the new you, many might leave you, or desert you. Living authentically, truly, according to the universe’s laws is not easy. It requires much growth, and much improvement. The rewards will not be acceptance or validation by your peers or by your culture. It will not come by money and success as defined by humans. You will falter many times, you will regress many times, and you will resist sometimes. For the need to fit in , to be validated, to have worldly status and power is very strong in you, as is in all humans. But, should you master the way of authentic living, the rewards are literally out of this world.
Recall the first insight you have received: Your whole purpose is nothing, but to live. To live, until the day you die. Your purpose is not to be the best of the living, but to learn to let your life folding out for the best. Your mission is to master the art of living authentically. Your mission is to be simply, wonderfully, beautifully, fearlessly YOU.
How do I know that I am ready?
You are ready when you are no longer afraid. You haven’t been afraid of dying for a long time. When you loose your fear of living, you will be ready. It will be time. Then, all you have to do, is to look into a mirror. Any mirror. Open you eyes, and see yourself. The time is here. The time is now. Open your eyes and see life.
I did see myself, in another dream, another insight, I saw myself in a mirror I've found in the void of life: a place I visited since often. I am not going to bore you with the details: suffice to say, I was absolutely beautiful and perfectly perfect. Just like God intended me and created me to be. After all: he created me to his likeliness...didn't He?! :wink: