Marianne to God:
Dear God, Your words have helped me greatly. You have given me a strong, affectionate, bright, beautiful child. And he also has a wonderful sense of humor, saying and doing very clever and funny things to make my husband and me laugh.
I know I am very sensitive, and often self-absorbed. And I do feel guilt and blame. I do let petty annoyances fill my mind and weigh down my heart.
Even on vacation, trivial things like my husband's blaming me for not packing the camera (which actually ended up being packed, though I don't remember doing so), or reading information about his conference closely enough, etc etc., and these things made me feel angry and depressed. I do often feel possessed by those feelings. Just overwhelmed. And sometimes it feels like nothing I can do at that moment gets me out — I can't get out of the feeling.
Only if I get out and walk, or do japa, does the feeling gradually subside. Or thinking of various lines from Heavenletters. And when I'm physically tired, it's that much harder. I guess I feel like I fall down again and again, and I pick myself up, but I sure haven't learned how not to fall.
I know what you mean about the worldly thoughts and Joseph's progress. He has several specialist doctors, so when we visit them I focus on "norms" and so on.
And my one neighbor. A woman who is in her late 60's, someone I feel I cannot spend time with, though I know from other neighbors that she is miffed at me for not calling or visiting. She had said to me on at least four separate occasions, "Maybe you should have stayed in bed. You know Sophia Loren stayed in bed and she's a healthy woman, but she stayed in bed when she was pregnant."
I told my neighbor that the doctor never recommended that I do so. I had no symptoms, etc. But every time I would see my neighbor last summer, and I would talk with her while holding Joseph, she would repeat the story. That's just one example. There have been others. And those sorts of things break my heart. Can you help me God, to be stronger, to not be so sensitive to what people say? I can't hide in my home, away from everyone, but sometimes that's exactly what I want to do.
I think again it was something Lauren wrote that resonated with me. She said something about wanting to be with plants and animals. How often I feel that way. But then I feel lazy and guilty because I have neglected my garden and I haven't been out there at all this summer.
What did you mean, God, when you said that Lauren and her mother were not from this planet? Do I feel disconnected and out of place in the world for that reason, or for what reason? I know, my feelings are my creation, I have created my life. But I think there is something more, something that I fail to understand. Can you help me on this one too?
God to Marianne:
My sweet treasure, of course, I can and will help you.
I wonder if you can see your beautiful honesty expressed in your letter to Me. Do you see how honesty is love? You spoke your truth, without defense. You spoke your pure yearning heart. What a wave of love you have set off, Marianne. What an example you have set for others of speaking simple truth.
And that is what it will be good for you to do with your neighbor. Say: "__, I feel sorry not to have spent time with you. My heart breaks when you say that if I had stayed in bed like Sophia Loren, Joseph wouldn't have the challenges he does. My heart aches enough. I can't undo. I need understanding from my friends, and I would like you to be my friend." Then be quiet, and let her speak.
Marianne, we do not know, and it does not matter, what your neighbor would undo in her life if she could. Plenty, I would say. If you continue to feel uncomfortable in her presence after you have spoken your heart, then when you see her, smile and wave and say hello, and go on your way, but there will be honest hearts between you, and you will not feel that sense of having to avoid.
Many people are innately insensitive, and you don't have to be around them, dear one. But give them a fair chance.
Do you remember the exercise about putting a neighbor in My light? Try that too, and your heart will be eased out of its pain. Picture yourself in My light as well, dear Marianne. Put your husband there. Barrage him with My light.
Lauren and you both need to hear this: You do not have to be what someone else wants you to be. It is enough to be.
You don't have to remember a camera, Marianne. It is not a sin to forget a camera. A camera is a camera. You are more important, and your feelings matter. It is you who has to know that. You are a queen of the world. A queen is not pulled into remarks that another makes. Her mind is on her throne and the rights, duties, and privileges thereof. Keep your thinking on what matters. Know your goodness, Marianne.
Will your husband read Heavenletters? Not this one just yet, but others? That will give this beloved man bigger things to think about.
People handle their pain in different ways. Some in details. Some in longing. You and Lauren long. Details don't matter that much to you. Sometimes others' emphasis on details enchain you and hold you back because you give criticism too much importance. To you and Lauren belong feelings.
Whatever plants and animals may do, you know there is nothing personal there. A rose thorn may scratch you, but that does not make you feel beleaguered. A dog may bark, but you know it has nothing to do with you. If a lion chased you, you would not like it, but you would know that the chase was not personal to you.
Plants and animals are great teachers of acceptance. They never reproach. They thank. They are. Learn from beloved plants and animals.
Your garden will grow of itself. When your heart is less hampered, you may want to go out there and play in it, but you don't have to. I will watch your garden for you.
We can say that all of My children have been transplanted. Being transplanted is a rigorous experience, but one from which you can come out hardier. Some of My children are more acclimated to earth life. They are more at home here than others are. Perhaps more lifetimes here. Perhaps this was the point of origin of their manifested life. Whatever, they are less homesick.
But you are here on earth. Your soul knows boundlessness, but your personality knows bounds, and furthermore knows that bounds are not its true nature. Your soul recalls freedom. It remembers no matter how vaguely, and calls it back.
So how do the unbounded manage bounded life on earth? That is your question. And how does a heart want to keep going and not give up the highest or give into less than the Most High?
I am your connection to truth and unboundedness. Sweep your heart out of the hold earthly life has on it. You are bigger than the whole of earth. Take care of daily earthly life and know that your existence is much grander than that. Remember your most intimate connection to Me.
You are not here on earth by accident. Maybe you are not here for yourself. Maybe you are here for Me. And others. Maybe there is big reason why you are here in this garden of earthly life I have given you. Reunite with Me now wherever your body is placed and whatever your circumstances. You are stuck nowhere. You are eternal and unbounded and My worthy child, and you are My happiness. Let Me be yours.