Marianne to God:
Dear God, I keep thinking about what Lauren wrote to you on June 19. So much of her feeling seems to reflect mine. And try as I might, I don't understand much of Your reply to her. I want to understand, because I think it would help me too.
She writes, among other things, "I'm tired it's all my fault." I know exactly how that feels, and so often the messages I hear from you and other Heavenreaders reinforce that feeling.
For example, the notion that "we have created the past." And that we must "quit blaming others." [that from other Heavenreaders] So what does that really mean? Lauren has created her father's feelings (or lack of attention) toward Lauren? She has that much power and responsibility?
It's precisely those sorts of statements and perceptions that make me feel tired too. And Brad, with his psychological condition — did he create that? I understand we need to move forward in life. But this idea that we create reality…at the very least it needs lots of clarification for me.
God, I know you know the main reason this gets to me. My son Joseph…He came at 28 weeks. My due date was early November, and he arrived in early August. I'd had an OB appointment five days before his birth, five days before my "water broke" so suddenly. My doctor, the head of the ob/gyn dept at University of Michigan, said I was fine, the baby sounded good, etc. I asked him about walking, about cramping sensation, etc. He said continue to walk, but maybe take shorter walks, the cramps were Braxton Hicks, etc. All fine. Don't worry. He said he wouldn't need to see me as often. And then 5 days later my son is born after less than 2 hours "labor", at 2 pounds 11 oz (actually not a bad size for being SO early).
Even in those first few days, Joseph really was strong, his Apgar scores 7 and 8. But 3 days later, major complications. To the point where they had to resuscitate him, put in chest tubes, get an additional ventilator, and on and on. He almost died three times.
So now, almost two years later, he's a beautiful, bright, affectionate boy. But he's very developmentally delayed, and his immune system is very delicate. I'm very thankful for all You've given me, as I pray daily. But those words haunt me, that I create my reality, my life. How can I not take responsibility for his difficulties — how can I not blame myself? And when he gets older, is it his fault then, his responsibility?
You also told Lauren, "your life will change the instant you allow it." But You also tell us not to try to control things! My understanding is that we should have "gentle desires," ask You for what we would like, but not cling to the outcome, be happy with what we have.
And again, I think I do a pretty good job of that! I cherish my days with Joseph — our playing, feeding, cuddling, massage time, sleeping. Everything he says and does I'm so thankful for. I take nothing for granted.
But so often, when he's napping without me or out with his dad or as I lie next to them at night, I ruminate. I shouldn't have walked so much while pregnant. I should have gone right back to my doctor vs. calling the midwives (they said I had a touch of food poisoning); while in labor I told a nurse about my symptoms, and she said they were a sure sign of labor!. And on and on.
I know this is a long letter. But I want You to hear all of it, and I'd like Heavenreaders to hear all of it.
Please clarify this responsibility/creation of the past…your-life-will-change-if-you-allow-it-to-business. I know I need clarification, and I believe some other readers do too. Is it partly an issue of karma?
Thank You for everything.
A few days later…
Marianne to God:
Dear God, I still am thinking about what I told you earlier. When I am quiet, and the message I receive is that we don't create our past, or our lives, we create our reactions and perceptions to those "realities". So I have a certain family, and particular things happen to me, and all I can "control" (there's that tricky word) is my reaction to them. But again, it's complicated. In other Heavenletters you talk about letting your heart decide and so on — well often my spontaneous reaction is sadness, anger, envy, etc. All I can do is witness those feelings, do japa, and let the feeling drift away. And keep a sense of humor! And certainly notice all the wonderful things. I do those too. But please watch these descriptions of creation of lives — I still don't quite "buy" the notion that we literally create the situations, but I'll buy we create our reactions/perceptions…and I guess I don't see that they are one in the same. I love You, and I'm a big fan of Mother Mary too!
God to Marianne:
Dear Marianne, it is a great step forward for you to express yourself to Me and to Heavenreaders so openly and completely. There is much I wish to say to you and Heavenreaders too.
No one blames you, dear Marianne. No one. You blame yourself. Like Adam and Eve, because of your sense of guilt, you project it. You are quick to.
If you could know that Joseph is as he was meant to be, as he chose to be, that he chose you for his beloved mother — if you could know that, not only that you are not to blame but that there is no blame; there is no fault; there is no lack, you would feel better. I tell you: There is nothing wrong. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is the matter except as you say so.
Joseph is not the perfect outward child you dreamed of, but he is My perfect child. Stop wanting him to be other than he is. The fact that Joseph was premature and has the perceived difficulties he has is no criticism of you. He does not have to be other than he is. I know your heart breaks because you want so much of what you call more for him, for his sake, and for your husband's and your own. I know that, Marianne.
And I also know you see his soul, burning bright.
It is world thoughts that lay so heavily on you.
Is the more you seek really what you think it is?
If the world knew Joseph to be the special blessing as I do know him to be, if the world knocked at your door to see this blessed child and praise you for him, extol him as My extra blessing to you, would you not be heartened? But the world says something is the matter because he does not have the world's predicted norms, and you believe the world. Because you believe the world, you think you may have done something wrong.
Joseph does not have to be other than the love he is.
You had a tune in mind, and another tune was played.
As for Lauren, her feelings expressed were how she felt on the day she wrote her question. Feelings are momentary. They are not permanent. Lauren was saying: "Hey, God, my life isn't how it's supposed to be. How come? How come I have the father I do? How come I don't have all the love I want?" Not on all days is Lauren so defeated. That's how she feels sometimes and how she felt on that day. Your feelings too are not permanent.
Lauren's father is not her responsibility. Lauren's father is not her difficulty. Her difficulty is staying stuck where she is. Her responsibility is to jump out of outside circumstances into her own being. That's her choice, to bemoan her circumstances and let them hold her back or to break those boundaries and give herself the life she wants. No one stops her life from being what she wants. Only she. She thinks it is things outside her, but that is a game she likes to play in. Lauren is a beautiful soul, and she does much good for the world, and she will do more, and she will love herself and live her life more abundantly. She has the key.
Although there may be some similarity, you and Lauren are different stories.
And you are right in your second letter, Marianne. How you deal with what you've got is your choice. I would say further: How you look at what you've got is your choice. Based on how you see the picture of your life, you react to it. You cart your own happiness around with you. You choose your own focus of happiness or unhappiness.
You would be overwhelmingly happy if Joseph's difficulties disappeared. Yes, you would be. How you would appreciate. Yet plenty of parents have the proscribed child, and are not as happy as they could be. They find things to look at (or not to see) that keep them in unhappiness.
I know it is at present no comfort to you that you are a greater person of greater understanding now than you were before Joseph's birth. Nothing wrong with you then, dear heart, and nothing wrong with you now.
You may not create all the circumstances of your life, although there are schools of thought that say you do, but you do create your life. Whose life is it if not yours? You catch a ball in your hands. Maybe you didn't ask for it to land the way it did. Maybe you wanted a different kind. But you have it. It is in your hands now. What are you going to do with it? What are you going to do with yourself?
I will tell you what to do. Remove the shroud from your heart that you have put there.
Do not feel sorry for Joseph or sorry about anything. Never mind the world thoughts.
Give your worries and concerns over to Me. Give Joseph's well-being over to Me. He is My child. Never forget that. And you are My child. Remember whose child you are. Remember My faith in you, Mother Mary.
You think things have to be changed. I say they do not have to be changed. With every fiber of your being, your attention is on changing something. This is control. Blessed, Marianne, you cannot undo. You cannot remake. There is no best for you to do but to be.
Ask Me more questions, or repeat the same ones. I like the exchange between us. Do battle with Me, dear Marianne. It is all right. You do not have to love Me every minute or be grateful, although you could try that. Try to thank Me for dear Joseph as he is, and see what changes appear in your beleaguered heart, My beloved.