Harry to God:
Dear God, I have a need for some guidance in a situation which I have been dealing with for quite some time now. Let me explain.
Last summer, I was set up, arrested, and convicted of a drug crime (selling marijuana). Then I was given a choice: go to jail or set someone else up, just like I had gotten set up.
I was scared beyond belief. I had never faced a situation of this magnitude before. I was in college, about to start my life, and then this came along, a potential life-ender (or so I thought at the time). My father and my lawyer told me I had no choice but to "help" the police, and at that time, I have no doubt in my mind that that's what I would do.
Everyone knew about my arrest so it was impossible for me to set someone up. My girlfriend, Sally, offered to help me help the police. She set up a drug dealer friend of ours who suspects nothing, just like I didn't suspect anything.
He got arrested and is currently facing a prison term unless he doesn't help the cops out.
After a while, I had my trial and I was given 2 years probation, and they took my car.
I only told two of my closest friends what really happened (setting this guy up) and denied having any involvement in it to everyone else.
I went back to school and everything seemed to be okay, until the guilt set in. The odd thing is, it didn't set in until about two months ago. I was talking to a friend back home, and he told me he had seen someone who "wants to kick my butt" for what I did.
That wasn't the first time I heard a threat. Before they didn't really phase me because I know these kids are all talk anyway. But that day, it triggered a wave of guilt that has been eating away at me ever since. I feel guilty for lying to my friends. I feel guilty for throwing my problem onto someone else instead of dealing with it myself and going to jail. Most of all, I'm angry at myself for doing something that totally goes against my beliefs.
Sometimes I wish I would've just gone to jail. I know deep in my heart that I have to reconcile this somehow, but I don't know how. Part of me wants to tell the world what I did and talk to the guy I set up and tell him I'm sorry and help him in any way that I can…but I fear for Sally's safety, and ultimately my own.
I am asking for your guidance, God. I am surrendering this situation to you; please show me the way to go. I have faith in You and Your decision. Thank you for your time.
God to Harry:
Three themes run through your story, dear son.
One is the sense of obligation you feel to help others. The second is the guilt you feel. The third is the sense of drama, for this is a morality play you have put yourself in.
Guilt comes from fear. Fear that you made an incorrect decision. Fear that you weren't wise, brave, stupendous and so forth, not in the eyes of others and not in your own. Let's face it, My bewildered son, you want to be wonderful. You want to be a hero, and you know you have all the ingredients. You hammer at yourself for not being one, though, in truth, in the situation you put yourself in, there was no hero box to check. You had the choice to go to prison or put someone else in your same situation. Your choice was to be a fool, or a tattle-tale, or, worse, a betrayer.
You have also had fear that you will be punished for your decision and a deeper belief that you ought to be. Until the person you set up comes forth to punish you, you will do it to yourself. And you will do a good job of it. That's what you have been doing.
You spoke about your beliefs, that you had gone against your beliefs. I am not sure what your beliefs are. What are they? What do you believe in? What beliefs of yours did you go against? That you should sacrifice yourself before all others? That you shouldn't ever turn someone in? Who are the good guys here from your view? The dealers in drugs? Maybe. The police who gave you an untenable choice? Hardly. Your father, your lawyer?
I do not hear you say anything about the way you set yourself up, dear Harry, how you feel about drugs altogether and the selling of them in the conditions under which the present laws put the selling of them. I do not hear you say anything about the soul who turned you in. How do you feel about him? Would you go after him?
As for the person you and Sally handed the hot potato to, you suggested that you could atone by helping him in any way you can. What would that be? What is your power to help him? How do you know that by turning him in you did not? Did the person who turned you in do something good for you? Whom do you call a friend? What is a friend? What makes you a friend? Maybe you want to make some new ones. A friend can get angry at you, but is a friend going to threaten you with bodily harm? How loyal must you be? You did not put that person in the situation he is in. He put himself there just as you put yourself there. You do not need his forgiveness.
Now, then, what are your beliefs? You do not need to tell Me your answers, though you certainly may if you choose, but it is important that you take a look at where you really are in your own eyes. It doesn't really matter what others think, My son, but it does matter what you think.
It is impossible to unwind all the events that led you to where you are now. It is also impossible to contemplate with any certainty what would have happened to all involved had you made a different decision. Had you made the choice to take your punishment and go to prison, there is one thing We can be sure of and that is that you would also be anguishing over that decision. A different script, but the same one with its own refrain of regret.
Guilt comes from fear. Fear comes from ego. It is a selfish thing to carry guilt. It makes your contribution to events more important than it really is. You didn't make anyone deal in drugs, did you?
Let's backtrack a little. Instead of all the what if's you play in your mind, what if, by some miracle, you did do everything right. The taking drugs, the selling them, the setting up of someone else, the not going to prison, what if somehow they were called for at the time? What if, somehow, you did what you had to do for reasons that are beyond you, for surely all the reasons you might have had are not all the reasons that exist.
Find the courage now to forgive yourself. Did you really think you were going to be perfect in the world and never make what are called mistakes? How long would you whip someone else for his errors? When would you say it's enough?
Say it's enough now.
Never mind about helping others. Help yourself. Then maybe you can help others. First find out where you honestly are. What are your beliefs?
If you would like help in that, ask Me. Say:
"Dear God, this is your son, and I may have screwed up. I'm not sure what to do from here-on-in any more than I knew before. Help me to know where my course in life lies. Help me to know that I am responsible for myself, no one else is. If I am in a mess, I got myself there. Help me not to stay in it. Please help me to let go of my feelings of guilt and fear, to face them once and for all and then to let them go for all time. I do not need them to hold me back. I do not need to be held back. You want me to go forward so I walk now into Your light with You beside me.
"I know now that life is more than the mere things that happen in the world. The powers of the world are nothing next to You, my dear God. I will not dodge around in life any longer. I will take the reins of my life with You beside me. I will look to you for direction on which way to go, and I will trust less in the events of the world and more in You.
"I will look less for drama in my life, and more for love. I will pay less attention to what is right or wrong, and more to truth. I realize that I am a seeker of truth. I am not this body that runs around in life. I am Your holy son, and You love me. A drop of Your love is bigger than the ocean. It is bigger than the world. I will remember that I am loved by You and that You want me to live in the world without fears and guilt. I want to do what You want. I want what You want for me.
"Thank You for helping me be strong. Thank You for helping me wake up. Thank You for taking burdens off me. Thank You for helping others go their own way.
"With Your help, I let go of the past. It is the past. It served its purpose whatever it was. But now I am new, and now I let go of old burdens, and now I know I am Your holy son, and that You are My holy Father.
"Thank You."
And I say, Yes, you are My holy son, and, yes, you have much good before you, and, yes, you will do much good, and, yes, you will start now, for that is My Will and your peace.