Note: For newer readers, Margaret's now sixteen-year old son had been in drug rehab and has been home for about two months. There has been good progress but also some rough spots. An added note: Abby is Margaret's college daughter! — Gloria
Margaret to God:
There has been some "drama" at my house lately. I thought the Heaven readers might like to hear how it has turned out.
The gist of it was, J. hadn't been following my guidelines and both of us were miserable. I because I was feeling very disregarded and he because he wasn't feeling any fulfillment from anything in his life, nor was he satisfied with just being. He wasn't looking for a job, he wasn't working on his G.E.D., he wasn't helping out around the house, he had no money, and so on.
On the plus side, though, he also was not using drugs, and the vibrations of the friends he was spending time with seemed to be improving.
But he was so unhappy that, at one point, he said he wished he were dead, but didn't have the courage to kill himself. That scared me, and I rushed around trying to find counselors, doctors, etc. to see him on short notice. Then I had to cancel all those emergency appointments, because he felt better, took off to go hang out with his friends, and didn't come home until the next day. That had me mad as well as scared.
The whole time I was giving it to You, God, over and over, in different ways and with different words, giving You my fear, my anxiety, my anger, my hopes, my bewilderment, and praying for calmness and guidance. I tried to remind myself that everything was probably unfolding as it was supposed to.
Finally I had had enough. I'd been like a human yo-yo for days, trying to help and being rejected. I thought about what You said to me, "Honor yourself more."
I gave my son a deadline: by the end of the week, either 1. have a full-time job, 2. find another place to live, or 3. go back to treatment.
I was not angry about it, but I was adamant. By Friday (the deadline) he had not even APPLIED for any jobs, so I threw him out (this is not quite what it sounds like; I gave him options), only he didn't realize it because he didn't come home anyway.
But we had something of a confrontation on Saturday morning, and I let him know that he would be finding himself locked out a lot until he got a job or at least made a serious attempt to find one.
I was sitting around after lunch wondering if I'd ever see him again when, lo and behold, in he pops, and says, just as if everything were normal and fine, "I can't stay long, I'm on my lunch break!"
Sure enough, he had gotten a job as a general laborer for a man who owns a couple of properties locally and he will be doing yard work, construction site clean up, painting, and the like. I was thrilled, of course, and he is so tickled he can hardly keep from swaggering. He feels so much better about himself and the world now, and he hasn't even gotten a paycheck yet!
This has been a long haul, and I think J. and I have each learned a lot. I know we each have a lot more to learn, and that there will be more confrontations, more issues, more digging in of heels over other things, but this was a major, major victory for both of us, and I thank You, God, for it from the bottom of my heart.
Everything is much sweeter for now. I feel tremendous relief and deep, deep gratitude. I feel like I have been holding my breath for ages and can finally breathe easy again for a while.
Thank You, thank You God.
God to Margaret:
Contemplate the idea that it may be smooth from now on. Don't be certain that's not an option. And, as you are, also don't hold on to its having to be smooth. It can be whatever it is. Just don't rule out the possibility of smooth sailing. You would do that to spare your heart from breaking with disappointment.
Yes, now you can breathe better. Both of you. You both have more space now. Your son has his own life of work apart from you. It is his. He will learn much of responsibility on this job. J. works for a good man, and he wants to please him.
Mother is relegated to the sidelines, where she is happy to be.
Honoring yourself is also honoring your son. You honor his mother after all.
Mother's Day is coming up. Make sure J. knows it is. Perhaps ask him what he would like to eat or if he would like to do something special on Mother's Day and then drop it. Your son may be learning to find the joy of making someone else happy and himself at the same time, and Mother's Day is a good opportunity for that. Of course, you don't have to have to have his acknowledgement of his gratitude to you, but you can mildly invite it.
Congratulations, Margaret. Well done. I am happy for you and J.
Yours, God
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Margaret to Heavenletters:
Wow, was Nancy O.'s question right on! Thank you to Nancy for articulating what must be a very common feeling. And wonderful thanks to God for the patient, loving answer.
Kasie to Heavenletters:
I am learning a lot from Abby. Isn't she WONDERFUL?