Margaret to Heavenletters:
Dear Gloria, what a week this has been! My daughter has gone back to college and decided to become a Heaven reader, and she may be joining us with a question on these pages soon.
And my now 16-year old son has been home from drug rehab for a week now. My emotions, and probably his, too, have run the gamut from Great joy to utter terror. The joy is because it is so sweet to have him back, especially now that he's clean. But, the terror — well, I'll get to that.
I had a pretty big "Aha!" this week. As my son was accusing me of never doing anything spontaneous, and I was counter-accusing him of never following his plans, it occurred to me that he is a yellow and I am a blue-green as described in the Life Colors book.
Neither of us is wrong for who we are, and we have got to stop trying to make each other be different. MY VIEW of relationships (parent-child, man-woman, whatever), which always includes a lot of partnership and not so much playfulness, is just that — MY view. It isn't necessarily right, nor is it everyone else's, so I should quit expecting it to be, and I hope my view isn't permanent.
I realize this was probably a big part of what happened in my marriage, too. Anyway, I'm feeling pretty pulverized these days, what with the rubber meeting the road so much, I have a lot of tire marks on my heart. I always used to think other people were putting them there, now I see I've been doing it myself.
Margaret to God:
Dear God, I have a bunch of concerns. Please bear with me while I catch everyone up.
When kids get out of rehab, what is SUPPOSED to happen is that they come out of a highly structured and restrictive environment into a slightly less-ordered, but still pretty rigid one, and that structure gradually fades as their "recovery" progresses.
My son was SUPPOSED to come out of a 24-hour locked facility and go back to full time public school and a fairly structured aftercare program with support groups, counseling, 12-step programs, etc. Also he was going to get a part-time job and in general would have been very busy.
In spite of lots of activity on my part to set all this up, the social worker referred him to a non-existent program. The principal of the school was not only unwelcoming, but obstructive, and my son is only enrolled half-time.
Now that he is out of rehab, he has no interest whatsoever in a job, 12-step programs, support groups or any other aspect of aftercare, and I have very little leverage to force him. He just wants to catch up with his buddies doing the same old things, only so far, he says, he is skipping the drug part. The prognosis for him to stay clean under these circumstances is not so good.
Things are not all bad. He is doing his schoolwork at least, and often seeks my help with it; that is a breakthrough. And he is pretty much honoring the home life boundaries I have set up, curfew, etc.
So, Lord, I had a couple of fairly major and not very happy realizations this week.
The first is that the outcome is not in my hands or the recovery community's or any one else's except maybe my son's and certainly Yours. I mean, I always knew that, but now I REALLY know that. Even if all the recommended structure had been in place like it was supposed to be, that would be no guarantee. Structure is no substitute for self-love, or worthiness, as You call it, or a spiritual awakening, which is what we ALL need for our "recovery", and no one can provide that for another except You.
The second is this: everything I've been doing to try to be supportive — to offer alternatives, to promote success, to prevent disaster — my son perceives as criticism of who he is, attempts to control him, and it makes him feel very, very bad about himself. Everything he has been doing to pick up the threads of his life I've seen as rebellion and rejection, and it makes me feel very, very scared. What a vicious circle. This is a real "Al-anon" moment for me.
So now, dear God, we come back to what seems to be my recurring theme: control. I once again have to let it go (I thought I had); I see in a deeper way how damaging it is. I don't have any leverage to make my son do his recovery program, and I no longer feel that it would be right for me to do anything more than offer. I turn it over to You, AGAIN. And I have some more questions.
How do I discern the difference between inappropriate control and appropriate parenting?
How can I break my habit of aiming only for what I think I can get rather than for what I want? In work, in relationships, maybe even with You.
How do I stay nourished — stay in self-love, stay connected to You — while I undergo this transformation to being permanently connected to You? How do we all? Is it possible to be permanently connected to You, or are we going to just keep going around and around to deeper and deeper levels of the same old garbage?
I certainly feel more connected to You than I ever used to, but still these baffling situations arise where I feel my heart so totally exposed and challenged. And Your answers always help me feel lighter and easier.
Thank You, dear Father.
Much love, Margaret
God to Margaret:
Look at all the good qualities you reveal in your letter to Me. Look at this person who wrote so honestly and deeply and caringly. Look at her.
Those same qualities exist in your son, Margaret. Look at all the ways that you converge.
Never mind the differences.
Stop comparing him, and stop comparing yourself.
Honor who you are. Honor who your son is.
It is not so much what you do, Margaret. It is how much you honor yourself. Honor yourself more, and your son will feel relieved. He will honor himself more. When two people honor themselves, where is there place for conflict?
You took up most of the space for today's Heavenletter, dear Margaret, so I will take My turn tomorrow and answer you more. So today's Heaven is a cliff-hanger. Everyone will have to tune in tomorrow.