Tina to Gloria:
Dear Gloria, if you have time, and if you think it is relevant to other HEAVENreaders, these are my deepest questions to God for this holiday season. I feel like I can just get the answers by rereading God's answers to Diane about Molly, and I am revisiting those in my mind and heart on a daily basis. But, dear God, my pain is still so deep.
Tina to God:
Dear God, yesterday I thought that I shouldn't just assume that Robert, my former husband, was coming home for Christmas, so I asked him. And he is NOT. I just read his email telling me. I feel nauseous with loss! Please send hugs.
I suppose, when the time comes, it will feel better having him 2000-plus miles away and not spending the holiday with him than it would be having him in the same town and proving to me that we aren't mates anymore. Oh, the pain…Oh, God, he got mad in the email. He said that I feel so clueless about what kind of interest, if any, he still has in me and my children. He seemed irate and accused me of bordering on hateful for thinking that, because he sends money for us to use the horse instead of his moving the horse to Colorado, I should assume we are still family to him.
I never knew what family was until I totally gave myself to love with Robert. At every crossroads in our relationship, I have been encouraging myself to follow my heart when my ego is screaming that he isn't worthy of my devotion. I have kept telling myself that God wants Robert to receive the fullest human love I am capable of giving. If I could stay connected to Source love, Robert wouldn't have to do anything to be worthy of that love, anymore than my children had to do. I felt this was the way Robert would be softened to participate in human love, after losing his faith in it as a child.
Now that I have been practicing this sense of home and family fully for eight years with Robert, where do I find a comfort zone when it has been transformed into checks being sent from across the continent for a horse? But, how will I ever shift from the devotion of loving Robert as my life mate, to thinking of him as "Uncle Robert" in Colorado? No paper in the mail would stop me from thinking of my children as my children. How can a paper in the mail make me stop thinking of Robert as my life mate?
I have never in my life been so certain that I was doing God's will by expanding my heart and mind to love this way. Now what? Now my heart feels like a beached whale. I have gotten so used to having a focus point for the practice of drawing down Your love from Heaven and asking to express it here on earth.
Thank You, God, for Godwriting and the family I have found this year in HEAVEN! Even in these depths of aloneness in the who-to-spend-Christmas-with realm, I do know more deeply than ever before that I am truly not alone.
God to Tina:
Dear Tina, this is not love. It is not My Will that you lavish yourself upon any man, no matter how worthy or unworthy he may be, who does not wish to return your love.
You are being one-sided, My dear Tina.
You have confused self-worth with ego, and you have confused attachment with love.
You are valuable to Me. You are too valuable to squander your attention where it is not counted. Why would you think that was what I wanted?
My dear child, what do you think divorce means? Robert wants to be done.
You are stalking him mentally, dear one.
If you love him, free him. Send him on his way. Free him to find the love he wants, or, if he does not wish to exchange love, free him to not having it. What does Robert want?
You have been thinking of what you want, dear Tina, and as gently as I know how to tell you, I will tell you that that is selfish.
You have made a picture of Robert in your mind that he is indispensable to your happiness and fulfillment. Nothing is further from the truth. You have further told yourself that you are indispensable to his fulfillment. You are playing tricks on yourself, divine child. Why?
Why have you latched on to a man who has chosen not to return your affection? Do you have to prove that you are so worthy that you will even love a man no matter how little he reciprocates? Or do you think you are unworthy of having love returned to you at all? This over-devotion cannot be from a sense of worthiness, dear Tina.
Look, I tell you that you are the worthy of the worthy. You are My blessed child. I don't will for you to have a fantasy relationship.
You do not need Robert. All you need you have. If you want My love in a give-and-take relationship, you can have it, but not with Robert, Tina. Find someone who does not need you, but wants you. Find someone you do not need. Find someone you want to give to, but not for nothing.
If you were your daughter, what would you tell her? Would you want her to give herself away for a few drops of imagined love? Would you want her to love with abandon and without love for herself?
You are not Robert's mother nor his savior. Leave him to Me.
And the impermanence of a man you were once married to cannot be compared to the permanence of a child.
Do not prostrate yourself to any man no matter how sweet or tender or worthy or unworthy he may seem.
Do not equate love with giving yourself away. Give but not away.
Now unpossess yourself of Robert.
He was a dream you made up.
You sat on one end of the teeter-totter and Robert did not sit on the other. You imagined he did.
Some time ago you wrote that you realized you were obsessed with Robert, but you did not realize, dear, for you would know that obsession is not love. Love is much more comfortable than that. Love does not make you feel nauseous. Obsession might. Obsession makes more of something than it is.
I bless the man that you will love and who will love you. You will bless him and be a blessing to him. He will adore you and will want your happiness to be equal to his. And you, My precious daughter, be sure you value your own happiness as well as his.
You are not the only woman in the world who has given her heart to a man and does not know how to reclaim it. You are one of many. But now you know. So now you reclaim it.
Enjoy Robert's horse with your children.
Free Robert. Do not ask anything of him. Do not pour your heart out to him. Do not expect or assume anything. Let him go. He is already gone.
He is not to blame. He has tried to be responsible and not hurt you. Your attachment to him has not given him breathing room, dear Tina. Thank him in your thoughts for the time you had with him, and bless him to his future as you bless yourself to your own.
Now you must be responsible to yourself.
I put you in charge of Tina. Take good care of her. Look out for her. I have put her in your care. She is My child, and I ask you to take care of her as you would any child I entrust to you.
You are going to feel wonderful, Tina. You will come to see how you have been stifling yourself. When you free Robert, you are freeing yourself.
Blessed Tina, My darling, remember you have Me, and My love never falters. It is all yours. It will buoy you through all eternity, and certainly through this little time of saying goodbye to Robert and giving him the precious gift of freedom.
Now is time for you and Me. Tina and God.
You will be hearing more from Me.
Love, God