Gloria to Heavenreaders:
Jon sent in two questions, and I'm putting both of his questions one right after the other.
Jon to God:
Dear God, thank you for Heavenletters! It has made such a huge difference in my life. I am so grateful, appreciative and humbled by Your daily Love, Wisdom and Guidance. Recognizing, remembering, and realizing You at any moment opens my heart and brings joy and unity. Thank You, dear God.
There is one area of my life where my heart feels a lack of Your fullness, and I want so much to have this area be the fullest expression of Our Love. It has to do with my marriage.
My wife and I love each other very much. My problem, and I admit it is my problem, is that I have an aversion to conflict. Everyday my wife finds many ways to push that button in me. She nags, complains, gets uptight and angry, and tries to control my daughter and me by constantly telling us what to do.
When this happens, I find my heart shutting down. I know I can't change or fix her, and I realize I need to have patience and acceptance. My heart silently cries when I feel this separateness from her. My question to You, God, is how do I handle these situations?
I know that my relationship with my wife is really my relationship with You. I want to be more patient, loving, compassionate, understanding and accepting when these conflicts happen. I surrender my heart and these situations to You and ask for Your Wisdom and Guidance.
With all my heart and love, Jon
Jon to God:
Dear God, reading Heavenletters everyday has had such a profound influence in my life. I feel it shaping my thinking, way of being and behaving in so many wonderful ways. With this exuberance, I want to share You with my wife. It is a delicate subject. She says she feels a lot of anger and aversion to You.
I have asked her to read Heavenletters on a couple of occasions, and, after reading it, she says that it doesn't resonate with her.
God, what do I do or not do when I want my wife to enjoy all of the bounty and treasure of Your love and she resists it?
What does anyone in that situation do?
Thank you, dear God.
God to Jon:
Dear Jon, you see things one way, and your wife sees them another. And each of you wants the right of way.
In terms of your second question, dear Jon, My son Jon, your wife does not want to be educated by you. She does not want you to be her teacher. She does not want to be improved, any more than you do. When you try to guide her, it makes her uncomfortable. She wants to find her own way to Me, whether she knows that as yet or not. We know you want her on a par with you, but she does not want you to see yourself higher.
You very much want to share your spiritual life and discoveries. You want to talk to your wife of what matters to you deeply, and there is an emptiness in you when she is not open to this sharing. Share with her without words, Jon.
The medium of words is a battleground in your house. If neither of you could speak, your lives would be softer and more entwined. Words keep you both separated from each other, as they do many.
You want to share knowledge, and she wants to share frustration. You are an idealist, and she is a pragmatist. You want to deal with ideas, and she wants to deal with matters of right now that to you are not worth talking about.
Both of you really want control. Your control is much more easy-going, but control the same. Your control more subtle, even ambiguous; hers more direct. She wants to deal with the here and now, and you want to deal with bigger matters. This is the crux of your conflict.
You are right that there is love between you, but it comes apart in the medium of words.
Your wife is concerned with the smooth-running and efficiency of things. She is in a hurry. You accomplish a lot, Jon, but you accommodate what you do effortlessly, and she sees this as a lack of caring about what matters to her.
I have to tell you, however, if your wife were less tense and more easy-going, many of your issues would be the same.
You are on different tracks.
Modern marriage is undefined, and it is harder to know yourself in a structureless setting. You both started your life together with so much hope and promise, and life lags behind your dreams.
The frustration your wife feels with Me, she feels with you, Jon. Neither one of Us comes up to how she thinks We should be. We do not provide quite well enough.
One good thing you can do for your wife, Jon, is to show your appreciation when she is gentle. You want her more gentle, so put your attention on those moments.
When she is angry, let her know you hear her. "You want thus and so…"
Being neutral, Jon, as you wish to be, isn't denying your own feelings. The truth is you are baffled and angry with your wife and deeply hurt. You love your wife and you take care of her, and she saves her good manners for strangers and others who do not begin to treasure her as do you.
Your heart shutting down is anger. Your wife expresses anger easily, and you do not. Nor do you want to.
But your anger comes out in indirect ways. Your wife may not even know why she is angry, but, sometimes, Jon, she is responding to your anger which can come out as needling. To you it seems like innocent speech, but it is needling, nevertheless.
Try to look at your wife's flare-up's as you would see a limp if she had one. You would wish she didn't, but she does, and you would love her anyway, Jon.
Accepting less than perfect is hard for you, Jon.
Are you able to accept that you have a true marriage on some levels and not on others? Can you accept that you may not ever be able to share your thoughts about Me with your wife? Acceptance means that you don't try to change your wife, directly or indirectly. Acceptance means that you recognize you will have a noisy household and that you will look for your peace from within. Are you willing to accept things as they are and choose not to be wracked by them?
Just your willingness may then allow change to come.
You have choices, Jon.
Just for one day, will you make it a point to see things from your wife's point of view? I can ask this of you. Put yourself in her shoes. Right or wrong, these are her shoes, and how does she feel? What can you do to give her more peace? You cannot will her to give you more, but you can be even more kind to her.
At the same time, you are not responsible for her mode of operating. You cannot make her be happy, and I know you have tried and yearned to give her much happiness.
The Bible talks about the good fortune of the man who has a good-natured wife, for the wife is paramount to the tone of the home. I will tell you that your wife is fortunate to have a good-natured husband.
There may be kinds of relational education and skills that could help form a different balance in your marriage. You could both gain new tools of getting along. The focus on creating more true harmony in the home could create it. It could well be that some shaking up is needed, and a formal practice for that could provide the opportunity without threat.
Jon, I give you many blessings. And I whisper great love into your wife's ears, and one day she will hear.
And now look for your happiness from within. Be secure with My love and not restless with life.
Let yourself feel your emotions. Do not deny them. See them as a parade floating before you and watch them go by. I have plans for you, Jon. Wait.