Kerry to Gloria:
Dear Gloria, HEAVEN is such an integral part of my life, I can't imagine life without it. Thank you for giving me HEAVEN every day!
I had a setback last week and was numb from head to toe. Although I am coming around and feeling somewhat stable with the help of a loving God and friends, I am drawn back to HEAVEN to speak what is in my aching Heart.
Kerry to God:
Dearest God, I think I have things pretty well together and stay in touch with my feelings and You and then ZAP! This last time was right on Thanksgiving, and it took a few days to crawl out of the pit! I was numb. I couldn't cry, God…
I talked for a very long time to my wonderful minister, and he helped me so much that I spent the next twelve hours in prayer and meditation, as You know. My gratitude is great…I keep hearing You, God… I just feel so utterly helpless when this dark depression descends…It paralyzes me and makes me feel disappointed in myself at the same time…
I even caught myself muttering at You when You said something in Heavenletters about sweeping away the past…I caught myself saying, "Easy for You to say!"…I felt ashamed of myself, and I know that is not at all what it's about.
I know You will keep talking and I will keep listening…I love the inspiration that comes when I am in direct contact with You…Please help me stay on that path of knowing You are always there!
God to Kerry:
Dearest Kerry, you know of My love for you. Nothing changes My love.
Today I talk straight to you and will toughen you up. You may feel I am being strict. Do not, for one minute, forget My love that permeates every word I give you.
First of all, feelings of shame and disappointment are ego. You do not find yourself as high as you want to be, and you are picqued, and that is feeling ashamed. In your case, it is not being embarrassed by what someone else may think, but by what you think, and what you imagine I do.
You learned to think this way, Kerry. You were taught that worthiness comes from certain achievements, that there is some certain way you have to perform and be. Kerry must always be positive and loving. The irony is that you genuinely are, Kerry, without any effort on your part, but it isn't just the way you think. You are also allowed to love yourself.
You know what I love, Kerry? I love honesty. And when you thought, "Easy for You to say," I loved it.
You do not have to be perfect in your eyes, for, in Mine, you already are. And I am not blinded, My dear, for I see Truth. You see untruth.
The holidays bring up pain for you, and My dear child is ashamed at feeling it and expressing it. Better to be ashamed of keeping them down. Better to be ashamed of not acknowledging them. Better to be ashamed of not being able to cry. Better to be ashamed of denial.
Let Me hear you say:
"God, I got some dirty deals in life. My heart got hurt too much. I still carry this load. And I'm tired of it. I want to be free of it and my resentment of it. Please help me remove old layers of this old pain. Help me to know that I am entitled to anger and protest, and to know I don't need them.
"I know I communicate best when I am honest with You and myself and others, and right now I free myself from having to be what I think I have to be. From now on I will be who I am, the lovely and the unlovely. And when Christmas comes, I will be free of much of my past pain.
"This is my gift to Christ and You, that I abandon my past. I can abandon it when I no longer feel shame about it. Shame got imposed on my past, and I remove that shame, for I am Your child, and I love You, and You love me, and the past was some turbulence in the waters, and I can let that turbulence go now to where it belongs, which is nowhere.
"I absolve myself of the past.
"Nothing has to be the way I think it's supposed to be. Christmas does not have to be a happy day. Nor does it have to be a sad day. It is a day. I have no expectations of it. I will let it be what it is. I do not have to enjoy it.
"But I will be good to myself on that day. I will have some presents for myself that give me some happiness, no matter what little selfish thing it might be. If I want to take a bubble bath for an hour, I will. If I want candlelight and to read a good book in bed, I will. If I want to go to church, I will. And if I don't want to, I won't, the same way that I would go to a movie or not, as I wished.
"I am under no obligation to anyone or anything except to my God and myself, and my God asks nothing of me but that I be good to myself. That is His Will. He says I have punished myself enough, and now it is time for me to give joy to myself, as much or as little as I want.
"I do not need anyone else to give me joy.
"Joy is mine for the asking.
"I am not a sad woman nor an elated woman. I am Kerry, God's child. I am not even Kerry. I am purely God's child. I am His/Her essence in this body. I am God's messenger. And He has given me messages to give to myself, and I will deliver them in His Name.
"All glory to You, God of my Heart.
"With love, Your daughter, Kerry."