Barbara to Gloria:
Hello, dear Gloria, I wanted to share with you an insight that I've been experiencing over the last day or two. It has to do with "coming apart and being put back together," I think. And to offer some questions if you are able to address them.
I have become aware that one of the conversations my ego has engaged in has been "I don't matter." I realize as I write this that the intellect can rationalize how that isn't so, but the core ego-identity has believed it for so long. Some examples:
I didn't matter to my mother, or else she wouldn't have died when I was three. I didn't matter to my father and stepmother or else they would've stopped drinking. I don't matter in the world, so why have an opinion? I don't matter to anyone, so why dress myself nicely and put on make-up? Lose pounds? I don't matter, so I will buy this gift for someone else and not myself. I don't matter to my children, so why try to be fulfilled as a mother? Blah, blah, blah…
Then I realized the biggest one is "I don't matter to God." I felt it deep in my bones. That was truly it. So, I asked myself, "What would it look like if I did matter to God?"
The only answer that came was something like, I wouldn't have to go through hard times. All my prayers would be answered. No one I love would fall ill and die. I would get to choose how I lived my life. My vote would count. That kind of thing.
As a mature adult, I can genuinely say that I live a blessed life. I have so much to be happy about and grateful for. And, I am. But, this big lie I have uncovered I now see has been quite a saboteur.
I think God would say that I don't have to suffer hard times, all my prayers are answered, anything that is in physical form must transmute (die), you do choose how you live your life, your vote does count. You are not any of that, you are One with Me. What you see is not real. That kind of thing. How can the two beliefs exist simultaneously?
I also uncovered a belief that at any time, bad news could come my way — the rug could be pulled out from under me — the next shoe could drop — and, since God is in charge — God could really cause me pain and unhappiness. That does not leave much room for trust in God. Nor does it allow for God being Love.
Rationally, I realize that all experiences are subjective, and something that I think is bad may be good for someone else, or good for me in the long run. But, the basic mistrust is there. Boy, what a confession!
Thanks, Gloria, for the gift you bring me everyday through Heavenletters.
Barbara to God:
Dear God, does the uncovering of the sabotaging thought disarm it? Like Pandora's box, there seems to be no end to the troublesome things. How is the heart able to achieve surrender in spite of the intellect/mind/ego and these thoughts and beliefs? How is the heart able to trust when the mind holds such strong beliefs to the contrary? Are we just to give these thoughts and beliefs over to You and they will disappear? It sounds too easy. The mind always wants to complicate. Who chooses the heart over the mind? The You of me? Is the me of me just the ego? So that when the ego surrenders, there is only You? Is there only You now? In that case, what is the ego, and what purpose does it serve? My heart thanks you truly for answering these questions, and my ego offers a perfunctory thanks. I think it knows its number is up soon!
God to Barbara:
Dear Barbara, you find Me suspect. Who is this God that you are supposed to trust, Who will, at some point, wittingly, designate all bodies to die? You can count on Him for that — to take mothers away from their children, and children away from their mothers, make stepmothers, cause fathers to drink, all the while this God makes promises to you and takes them away.
And yet, this God asks you to find it in your heart to trust. How can He? What a nerve.
And then He goes around saying: "No one dies. Life is eternal. Barbara is forever. I do care about her. She does matter."
Does God lie? Does He cheat? Is all for naught?
That is one way to look at it. That is how the perturbed ego looks at it. Very put out. Indignant. Rightfully so!
Ego is the great justifier. Ego is not of the heart but of the mind.
Consider the intellect an invention of the ego to keep you in the illusion of separateness.
The mind distrusts.
The heart knows only trust, for the heart knows truth.
But the mind, guided by the ego, likes to logically rule the heart and tear it to pieces.
The ego gives you false promises, Barbara. The ego is not your friend. He is selfish. He will go to great lengths to bind you to him. The ego certainly disputes and laughs at Me.
There are those who would say to love the ego, but do you? Can you love that which is not?
Now, I do not fight with this little ego. He is not real. He makes a fuss and says, "Aha" all day long as he finds evidence against Me.
I am too busy loving you to fight the ego.
No words can convince you of My existence and My love.
The heart yearns to surrender to truth, this truth that you cannot put your finger on.
Whom do you listen to? Given a choice, Barbara, whom would you choose right now, ego or Me?
Surrender is not achieved, dear one. You cannot achieve it. You can allow it.
What does your heart tell you right now? Who supports your heart? Does the ego or I? Who is the figment of your imagination?
The heart doesn't have to learn anything. The heart already knows. You do not have to choose heart. You just have to let the heart be.
Toss away these questions, dear Barbara. They no longer serve you. They are not innocent. And all the answers in the world cannot satisfy.
I am not an empty word. I am wordless.
Yes, there is only I now. You chose Me long ago. You only have to acknowledge it. Keep your attention on Me, and let Me do the rest.
Yes, it is easy.
Letting go is easier than holding on.
Belief is easier than doubt.
Surrender is easier than fighting.
Ego would make you a hero on the battlefield, and there is no battlefield, and there are no heroes there.
All My children are equal to Me. The same heart beats in all. It is My heart.
Your heart longs to know itself.
Give yourself a gift of nature every day. That is the gift that matters to you, Tree Sprite.
Do you believe in trees? I think you do. Find Me there. Locate Me there. Listen to Me without words.
Trees give you a swing up to Heaven.
Stay on the ground if you choose. Or you can climb a tree. Or you can swing to Heaven.
Barbara, you very much want to know how you can comfort the child in you who lost her mother. You want to know how you can open yourself to that child.
Take her with you on a walk in the woods. Hold her hand. Show her the sights. Talk to her about Me, and listen to what you say.
There is no place where I am not. I am located in you. I am at home within you.
Look for signs of Me today. You will find them. Look for signs of Me every day. And make signs of Me for others. Try this for a week and see what happens. Write back to Me and to Heavenreaders if you like.
Your body is made of matter. You are more than matter. You more than matter.
I carry you in My heart. My heart is deep. You cannot fall out or be forgotten. You do not find your way to My heart, for you are already here.
So what do you do? You do nothing! Except maybe laugh at where you thought maybe you were!
Where are you, dear Barbara? Whose are you? Of what are you made? And where am I? Indeed, where am I?