Lauren to God:
Dear God, I am so angry. I have a situation that I just don't know how to handle.
My father visited recently, and the visit was just awful.
A lot of the reason it was so awful is because I saw things differently. Instead of my thinking, "If I were different, if I were better, our relationship would be better", I saw that he is just a mean selfish man. I know he has some good qualities like anybody else, but he has been a terrible father.
I am not mean to strangers, and I don't know how to deal with my father's being this insensitive and unkind.
I know you can't change people, and the past is past. But I need to take some of my self-respect back in this situation.
I have been trying to win his approval. Why? I haven't done anything wrong.
My feeling is that, for once in my life, I will express myself and say everything I am feeling. I want to write him a letter and tell him how everything really is.
My mother and Karen tell me to write my letter but not send it, and rather write a sweet one. I feel discounted when I hear this.
I have been sweet. I have been loving. It is not honest. I am angry, and I cannot imagine anything good coming out of writing a fake dishonest letter to my father.
I don't wish him harm. I hope he is happy, but I am no longer willing to act this charade that everything is okay.
I am also tired of hearing from others that he is doing the best he can. I know he can do anything he sets his mind to. I give him more credit than to think he is doing the best he can.
God, what can I do so I feel better?
I want to feel good, honest, and know I have expressed myself.
I want a father who wants to help me out, wants to make my life easier, even just to find out what my life is. It doesn't cross his mind that I am going through a hard time. He doesn't know anything about it.
My feelings came more to the surface because of my relationship with Roger who turned out to be just like Dad, pretending everything is okay, pretending that he loves me but with no real concern for my well-being.
If I were my father, and he was I, I wouldn't brag about all my cruises and have no regard or compassion for him. He thinks that anyone who doesn't have money is stupid. I would be there for him.
And is it weakness to want someone to stick up for you? I want someone protecting me in life, and I certainly do that for others.
My mother just puts up with him. I would have liked her to tell him off.
My father and I don't have another thirty-nine years to work this out.
I am not loved, respected, and he has no interest in my life.
My girlfriend's father abandoned his family and her. He was an alcoholic; he had no money etc. But my father isn't an alcoholic; he's educated, has good income, and has no excuse for being so heartless.
I am tired of people making excuses for him. I think someone needs to stand up to him. If I were being that criminally bad a parent, I would want someone to tell me.
God, I don't understand why it matters so much. Why someone I have not had a relationship with is so important to me. God, all the nice things that other people do for me doesn't begin to make up for what my father doesn't.
Karen and my mother don't want me to send this letter I want to write. I don't have the intention to hurt; I just need to express truth. I feel that people assume my intention is to hurt him back. I'm not like that. My intention is to help ME. Protecting his feelings and his little bubble of illusion that he's a good father — I don't think that's doing him a service either. Maybe I would decide not to send the letter after I wrote it, but I don't want anyone telling me not to send it.
I don't understand mean, and I sure don't understand it when it's someone's own child.
I am angry and tired of pretending.
God, I know intellectually that Your love should replace my need for his, but I don't feel it. I'm not spiritual enough. I need relative manifestation. Hearing that spiritual should be enough is frustrating because it isn't enough for me.
I value spiritual, but I also need the earth level.
Although everyone tells me to write my letter and not send it, it seems to me that it is the only thing that can begin to repair this relationship.
I want the truth to be out there.
If he doesn't like me and doesn't care, I don't want to hear a few nice words that have no substance. I would rather have honesty than dissembling. I don't want acting and pretense.
Same thing with Roger. All the loving words not backed by action. In fact, the actions or nonactions are opposite from the words. I would rather have it laid out on the table.
It does feel good saying all this.
Dear God, will You help me with this? Dear God, will You help my father with this?
God to Lauren:
My dear struggling child Lauren, let us look at what you want. You want to express yourself honestly. You want to respect and approve of yourself rather than craving your father's approval. You want your feelings supported. You want to feel better. You want a caring father who takes an honest interest in you. You want a good honest relationship with your father and the same with a true love interest. You would like to repair your relationship with your father.
You would like to understand why this uncaring stranger means so much to you, and why nothing else in life can seem to compensate.
Your being honest with yourself is a magnificent accomplishment, and I commend you on your forthrightness.
How can We best accomplish your desire for a truthful sweetening of your relationship with your father?
You do not really believe it is possible.
You do not really believe in Me, Lauren, and what I can do.
And you still, despite your realizations, do not believe in yourself.
One act of kindness from this man who fathered your body would mean so much to you.
When you wrote your letter to Me, you were ready to yell and scream at him and prove to him how neglectful he has been of you.
You are entitled to your feelings, dear Lauren.
And you already feel much better for expressing them here to Me.
You can say anything to Me. To your father, you cannot. You cannot take him by the shoulders and point out his flaws to him. That would only accomplish more pain for you and for him.
However damaged your heart is, however unfair he has been, whatever he has denied you, he has denied himself more.
He is not able to express love. Nor can he acknowledge another's.
You cannot be selfish like him, Lauren, and don't attempt it.
There is nothing this unfortunate man can do to make you whole.
You have heard it before, and rejected it before, that your value comes from Me and not from anyone on earth.
If your father could change, you think you would be happy, and you would some, but only some. He cannot make up to you for the hurt you have given yourself.
Your heartache will not be solved on the relative level. It has to be solved within you.
You have to forgive yourself for being a child who wanted her father's love and affection and didn't get it.
So long as this is an issue for you, so long as you foster your wounds, you will create this situation around you and cultivate men who will respond to this vibration and will repeat the quality of life you have had with your father.
You think your father owes you something. The whole world thinks he does too. This is your belief system.
You have to change it.
When you release your father from bondage to you, you will be free and move on.
If someone loses a leg, it is unfortunate. He can bemoan and relive the loss of his leg his whole life and fight against it, or he can release his objection and go on with one leg.
You want justice with your father. You want him to know he has hurt you. You would rather war with him than a false peace.
Make the peace true, dear one.
What does war accomplish?
What will this mini-war with your father accomplish?
You have done nothing wrong, Lauren. You have wanted your father's love. And you want it still. All your loving has not given it to you. All your holding back has not. All your letting it out will not.
Your father is locked up within himself. He has such control over himself. One of the lessons he is here to teach you is that you must not do the same.
How much your hurt makes you sound like him, dear one.
He too has a lot of stored-up emotion that he has never expressed. You are acknowledging yours. He is not able to acknowledge his, and you cannot make him or do it for him.
He does not have to be a good father or a good human being.
But you can be as kind to him as you are with a stranger.
It is enough that you are a fine human being, Lauren. Be what you want your father to be, for that is who you are.
You cannot count things in life.
You cannot measure.
That is looking at the wrong end of life.
Now, getting back to you and Me, I wish you all blessings in life. I bless you with love. I bless you to have all your relative desires fulfilled. I bless you with riches and husband and children. I bless you with a good father for your children.
If you want a champion, Lauren, I am He.
You are a victory child.
Sweetness is truth of yourself. Bluster is not.
You are wiser and richer than your father.
You are benevolent.
You are not rude or coarse.
You do not have to be tough.
It is all right to cry.
And it is all right to come to Me and desire earth fulfillment.
I am here to help you with that.
You do not have to choose Me OR relative life.
You do not have to give up happiness or anything for Me.
I am here to give to you.
I am here to fulfill your desires.
You do not have to desire Me above all, Lauren. That is not your way.
You can desire to know Me.
You can desire to talk to Me.
You can desire to let Me help you.
You do not need to have all the responsibility.
You do not have to be the doer.
You can lean back and rely on Me.
You can have Me whenever you want.
You can have everything you want, but you cannot wrest it.
Let it come to you.
Invite it, and then prepare for it.
The two of us together, Lauren, there is nothing We cannot do.
Will you pray for your father?
Ask Me to bless him. I already blessed him with you.
Ask Me to help him open his heart for his own sake.
Ask Me to remove his blocks.
Ask Me to love him and nourish him.
Ask Me to lift burdens from him.
Ask Me to lift burdens from you.
Ask Me to send angels to him.
Ask Me to take away your hurt.
Ask Me to heal you.
Ask Me to heal your father.
Ask Me to give meaning to your life.
Ask Me to make life glow for you.
Ask Me to fill your life with love.
Ask Me to help you rely on Me and not on yourself and not on others.
Ask Me to help you be who you are.
Ask Me to help you recognize your worth.
Ask Me to help you find worthy work.
Ask Me to continue to nourish and guide you.
Ask Me to help you forgive others for not being what you want.
You are a great soul, Lauren.
You are a stanchion for many on earth.
Do not for one minute think that I neglect you or discount you.
I count you.
I appoint you.
I treasure you.
You are My sunshine, Lauren.
I made you from stars to give happiness and light on earth.
I asked you to hold up the earth, and you said you would, and you are.
Remember the surface is the surface.
All is not what it appears.
You are close to Me.
Do not fight Our closeness.
Allow Me in.
Let Me be like a bird who sits on your shoulder.
Let Me be your confidante.
Do not be embarrassed by Me, dear Lauren. I am your best friend.
I am your Creator.
I am your Father.
I am your trust in life.
Nothing in the past can be other than it seems to you.
But what is now can be your dreams unfolding.
Step back a minute from the fray of life to see where you are.
You are My dumpling, Lauren. You are a song in My heart.
You are beautiful.
Be good to yourself and honor your goodness.
Be not petulant.
Do not fight Me.
I am here for you.
Talk to Me.
Be My friend.
Look at Me.
I am not your enemy.
Nor is your earth father.
He is what he is.
Beneath his cruel appearance am I.
He denies himself happiness. He thinks selfishness is happiness.
You know better.
You have great comprehension of life on all levels.
You are the warp and the woof of life, Lauren.
You are going to do great things for the world and for Me.
You already are.
You have made great strides across earth.
Now reach up to Heaven, and you will find yourself already here.
Unmire yourself. Free yourself from possessions. You do not need to possess grief and regret and disappointment.
You can possess whatever you want.
If relative life is so important to you, then avail yourself of it in your heart.
Stop disclaiming it.
With one foot you move forward. With the other, you complain and hold back.
You don't have to stay where you have been.
Release. Release.
Release your father to his good, and you release yourself.
And release Me, dear Lauren. Release Me. You have put Me in a cage at a distance from you. What are you afraid of with Me?
That you won't have your way?
Well, you don't have it now.
Try Me, will you, just a little bit? Just for a little while? Let Me tickle you under the chin, and have some fun with Me.
That's it. Good. Now you cry, now you smile, and in either case, you are with Me, your true Father, your true Benefactor, your True Love who will give you everything you want and some nice surprises too.
Lauren, Lauren, Lauren, a maker of beauty, a tower of love, a melting sweetness poured over the earth.
Never mind anything. Mind Me. Help Me. Think of Me, and let Me help you.
And, yes, I will whisper in your father's ear, and will tell him how blessed he is to know a soul like you who loves him and sets him free.