Gloria to God:
A friend of mine wanted to ask You about a question of control. He understands how valuable and essential it is that we become neutral. He's aware that expecting, criticizing, insisting, demanding, organizing can set you up to be angry and disappointed.
But his question is: What do you do if your child is getting out of control? He can't just let her be fresh or whatever.
God:
A child seeming to be out of control is trying to gain some control. What demands are being made on the child and for how long that she feels she has to react defiantly? If a child were not feeling controlled, why would she be seen as out of control?
There are many ways for a happy child to conduct herself. There is not only one way. A parent might say that one way is right and another way wrong. But everything does not have to be the way a parent thinks it has to, including his children.
Judgment leads to control. Watch out for being a self-righteous parent.
Many parents have learned from their parents that control is love. Know now that freedom is love. Neutrality is love.
If your child is defiant, what is making her defiant? Don't give her so many things to fight about. A parent's control is a way to defy to the child. Don't be a lord over your children. Be a kind teacher.
Believe in your child more. Trust her and enjoy her more. Discipline less. Trust in Me. Give the baton to Me.
Gloria:
God, what about laissez-faire parents who seem to be too good to their children, offering little or no guidance, or even really seeming like fools run by their children?
God:
The opposite of control is not leniency or neglect. I do not say that children should control their parents. Overindulgence is a form of control.
By and large, in the long run, children will treat their parents with the consideration they feel they have been given.
If indulgence were love, indulged children would not be selfish.
Wheedling parents, for instance, may feel they owe the child something. Owing is a form of control. When you give without regard for the child's well-being, you are indulging yourself. You are controlling in a more disguised way.
Now, listen, parents are not perfect as parents. And their children are not perfect as children. And yet, how does a human parent know or not know that his mistakes are, or are not, needed to bring issues to the fore? How does a parent know or not know that his child is there to help him address his own issues?
In general, I would say to parents: Say Yes more. Think of happiness and harmony for you and your child rather than obedience and correction.
Switch places for a minute, and perhaps you can see ways to be more gentle and guiding rather than forceful and insistent. Be considerate of your children and their feelings. Respect your children's feelings.
Be kind to your children. Be honest. Do not lord over them. Let them talk to you. Be interested in their welfare, but don't concern yourself with perfection.
Consider your child a guest in your home, a visitor for a little while. He has to be somewhere.
Being neutral does not mean abandoning your child. It is not saying: "Do and be whatever you want no matter what the consequences."
It is saying: "I know you have your own life and your own view of things. I want to hear and understand your view. Help me to understand. And can we not find a way to live in mutual respect and goodness? Can we not live together in joy? Can we not be kind to one another? What can I do to help you find your way in life? Let me help you be free and be who you are."
Offer Me your child.
Let Me guide you both.
Do not make Me a rule-setter.
Let Me be the wise love that I am.
And you be wise love as well.
When you release your control, your children will come to you more.
Gloria:
God, there are wonderful families out there where all the children are happy etc., but one goes down a difficult path.
God:
Many factors.
And many children are so accustomed to being controlled that they trade in their parents' control for the authority of their peers.
Gloria:
God, there are children who grow up in terrible circumstances, and they turn out fine. Maya Angelou is an example.
God:
She discovered her greatness.
Find yours. Your children will find theirs.
* * *
Gloria to Heavenreaders:
Update on Sandra. It's been a while since we heard from Sandra, but you may remember that Sandra's husband, David, has a serious heart condition that would require a heart transplant, except that he is over the age limit. Quite some time ago, his doctor had given him only a few more months to live. David has far surpassed his doctor's prognosis.
Sandra to Gloria:
David's doctor discovered he has anemia and referred him to a hematologist. David is doing better. He is out of the wheel chair, is eating again, and has less trouble breathing. Short of a new heart, this is more than we dreamed possible…
I hope you realize Heaven has become an integral part of my life. I would be devastated if Heaven letters ever stopped. I look forward to them so much.
I think it is a great idea about the God phone. Karen does so much good that way.
I'll write again soon and ask God some questions.