Gloria to God:
Dear God, here is a letter and question from Margaret that is all heart, and what she is asking is to have her happy heart back.
Margaret to Gloria:
Gloria, how do I feel about HEAVENLETTERS? Sometimes I absolutely love it, sometimes I feel too pressed for time to enjoy it, sometimes I wish I had "direct experience" of God. I have, sort of, in the past, once in a low level sort of way for several weeks, and once in a dream that affected me for days and weeks. Sometimes I sort of disagree (Oh, great, Marg. Good shot. Sure, go ahead, disagree with GOD, you moron!). Intuitively I feel I tend to intellectualize about my own life too much, and need to be less in my head, more in my heart.
I even did a question for HEAVEN, for what it's worth. I know it's way too long, but I'll give it to YOU, anyway. It'll give you an idea of where I'm at some days. Not all days; actually I'm not as malcontent as I sound some of the time.
But I do get down now and then. So here goes:
Margaret to God:
In the past several years I've learned a lot.
I've lost several jobs; so I know I'm not my job.
I've lost my husband; I know I'm not my marriage.
I "lost" my daughter to college and my son to drugs; I know I'm not my children or my mothering role.
I've lost most of my married friends; I know I'm not my friends.
I know I'm much healthier than I used to be, but I'm also not very loving or joyful or thrilled with my life right now. I feel very "stuck" in all this "knowledge", and if You are a God of the heart rather than of the intellect, then I feel I am moving farther and farther away from You because my heart feels very dry and pinched these days, and not very open at all. In my head I know You're the only game in town, but I don't feel it.
Sometimes I worry that I'll have to lose a lot more before I'll be able to feel You in my life, and that it's wrong to focus on peripherals.
But here's where I'm confused — what's the deal? Aren't we supposed to love You through all of Your creation? So, what could be so wrong about having a beloved, or a loving family, an interesting career, fewer struggles, a fun, happy life? Isn't that one way to experience You? If we are co-creators, then what's so wrong about wanting to co-create fullness and success instead of flatness and loss and stripping away?
How do I get my heart back into my life?
God to Margaret:
Dearest Margaret, you are a fighter. You are a scrapper. Head on is your motif. And you come head-on to Me, ready to fight, letting Me have it straight in the jaw. Here you are, your fists clenched, read to take Me on. Little you and Big Me.
You would do anything not to cry anymore.
You have yet crying to do.
Who told you you had to be strong?
Who told you you had to do it alone?
Who told you you couldn't have the peripherals?
Who told you you can't have everything you want?
Who told you you couldn't have fullness and success?
With great love and tenderness for you, dear one, I will take some of your questions and ask them of you. Sit down with Me, not across from Me, but next to Me. These are questions I will just say and are not for you to answer this minute:
Margaret, who are you?
What could be wrong about having a beloved, or a loving family, interesting career, fewer struggles, and a fun, happy life?
If We are co-creators, what is wrong about wanting to co-create fullness and success?
Must you strip Me away?
How do you open your heart to Me and let Me in?
Dear One, do you think I am the cause of all your troubles? Do you think I set traps for you to trip you up? Do you think I have been out to get you?
You are like a puppy who wrests with a bone. He tosses it, he shakes it, and makes that bone into an opponent, as it were. And yet, he protects that bone. He wants to be petted, but he has to grrr at whoever comes along in case they might take his bone.
Life did not turn out as you desired. The actuality was hard enough, but you also hold on to the unfairness.
You know no where else to go but to Me, but darned if you will give in. "I will lose everything and be stripped bare before I give in to You, God. I do not know what else You can take away from me, but You'll have to come get it before I get on my knees and let You see me cry anymore."
Margaret, do you want your former husband back? No.
Do you give your daughter freely to her life? Of course you do. You are even funding her.
Do you want your old job back? Did you ever really want it?
Married friends turned out not to be friends.
Your maternal family hasn't been for you what they could have been.
And your son turned out to be the greatest betrayer of them all.
You remind Me of your son, stubborn to the hilt. "Try and make me" is his stance. And it is yours.
You were taught all your life to control, to control yourself and others. Dear Margaret, control as you may, you cannot.
Right now, as you read this, make the time to sit down with Me. Stay home from work. Spend a day with yourself. Soak in the tub. Indulge.
Let Me take some of your burdens. They are not yours, and you are Mine.
Margaret, you do not need to love Me. Get to the core of yourself, love yourself, and you will find Me there smiling and waiting for you.
Yes, let's co-create. Enough of this drama.
You need hold on to nothing.
Drop the bone.
Let yourself be loved by Me.
Stop stamping your foot.
You do not need to choose Me and abandon love and happiness in the world.
You also do not need things your way.
Know this: When a new man of worth comes into your life, not only will he far surpass your former husband, you will also surpass the Margaret you thought you were.
Life has been a hard school for you. And, like your son, you refuse to oblige.
On the surface of life you cannot do more than you have. You cannot pull the strings. Let them go.
Release the idea that you must love Me. You must let Me love you.
Can you open to the possibility that I am your Friend, Ally, and Resource? I am not your opponent, dear Margaret. I do not oppose you. You oppose Me.
I will not tell you that your life will be all easy from now on, but I will tell you that you do not have to make it so hard.
Please co-create with Me.
Denying My power is denying your own.
Denying My love denies your own.
Denying My connection to you denies your connection to Me.
Offer Me your wounded heart, and I will heal it.
Offer Me your heart's woe, and I will remove it.
Offer up control of your life. Unclench your fists. I will not let you fall.
Offer Me your anger, and I will disintegrate it.
Offer Me your day today. That means to let your day unfold. You do not have to open it. Let it open of itself.
Let go, Margaret. Let go of the pain; you don't need it. Let go of the past; it was an idle dream. Let go of your demands on yourself. You are the only one who makes them.
Let yourself be the shining diamond that you are.
Let yourself feel My love.
You don't have to love Me.
There are no have to's with Me.
Let Margaret be Margaret. All this stress and strain are not you. They are disguises of you.
The only strength there is is Mine.
You don't have to be strong. Strong to you means standing firm and holding on. Lean back and let go. I uhold you.
Direct communication between Us will be very good. You are a direct person. You can be direct with Me.
You are a bonus for My heart. You are not My prisoner. You are a gift to Me.
I made you. I made you Love. Do not deny yourself any longer.
When you are not looking, you heart will open up like a golden wildflower. No tame lotus for you! The wildflower that you are will grow up and down fields and be much love and healing for the world and for yourself.
Be patient with yourself.
Your son will not always be a trial. Let your heart release him to My care. Practice freeing him to Me. Every day. That freedom will reach him, and he will be less obdurate.
I reside within your son. His angry ways do not affect Me. Let Me take care of him. You gave him to the courts. Now give him to Me. I will not take him away from you. I will bring him back to you. Have faith in Me. Have faith in yourself, but let Me take charge.
Write to Me and also let the Heavenreaders know how you are.
Let in the possibility that I love you.