Beloved, let Me advise you. This is what I hear from the wheels spinning around in your head: You don’t find comfort in the fact that, one way or another, it is you yourself who leads yourself astray. It is you who creates the stumbling-blocks that you find before you. It’s no fun for you to discover all that which you have thought exists in front of you really exists inside you, and that you fall for ignorance again and again, and that you, alas, are your own willing dupe, that there is no else, that you are the whole shebang – no matter how you may fight off this idea that you are responsible for your life. Whether you see true friend or false enemy, it is you that you see before you. This is hard to believe. There is more to this than you can accept.
You say to yourself:
“How can it be that I see unhappy scenes before me and seeming betrayals? I have been certain I am the good guy. How can it be otherwise? However, one way or another, I understand that when there is a travesty before me, I set it up. I trip myself up. Why would I?
"God, You really mean that I set up the hidden camera, and I trip over wires I set around myself to trip on? How bizarre can life get, you mean really? It can’t be that I would dispatch myself where I would not want anyone to go, least of all myself. How can it be that I make my own wrong turns?
“God, when did I play such high jinx on myself? God, when can I start over again? May I rewrite my lines and all the cast of characters and the stage sets according to my preferences? My mind seems to go blank, yet I am eager to start anew.
“What in my mind-set has to change before I can rewrite a new script? My consciousness? What does this amount to?
“I’m not seeking a Shakespearean drama nor a TV comedy, not at all. I would like to turn on a new spigot with new stories to tell, one filled with heroes and heroines of all kinds, where only beauty is and beauty is tried and true and beautiful to behold and to spread and to feel good about all the days of my life – no double dealers in my upcoming cast of thousands.
“I would love the idea that at some time in my life, if the words scoundrel or villain are ever mentioned, I would stop in my tracks and say in amazement: ‘Wha… What do these words mean? What nonsense are these words?
“Dear God, I don’t ask to be holier than thou. Of course, I wouldn’t mind being a little holy. Truth is really what I want to know. Give me Wholeness.
“I know that I would miss even unholy alliances. I would crave some variety in life even as I wouldn’t want too much, yet I would still desire a chance to rewrite my script at my leisure.
“How do I make up my mind as to what I really want – not too many firecrackers to be set off – only a few every now and then? God, I would allow some wistful tears, but in moderation. There could be some falls, yet none with bones broken.
“There seem to be no order forms, as I like to dream of, where I could check off whatever I wish for. Do You have such an order form up Your sleeve, dear God?
“Well, now, God, I’d better go about this daily life that sits before me today. Daily life certainly holds power over me, doesn’t it?”