You may desire Peace within with all your might. Yet, again and again, you find yourself in havoc. You may find yourself terrorized, undermined, cut open, devastated, imprisoned in a sheath of panic. And you crave Peace. You would give anything for Peace, yet you don’t have it.
You cry out: “God, give me Peace. What I want most is Peace.”
It doesn’t seem to matter how much you crave, desire, demand, authorize, defend Peace, you seem to have scared it away. Peace seems to shy away from you. You get handed turmoil instead. Even as you understand that the turmoil that seems to surround you is of your making, you alight on it. You may have one hand out for Peace, yet your other hand reaches out further and touches torment.
The terror you face doesn’t even seem to be about death, but, oh, yes, it is about loss, yet not loss of your Life. Others’ deaths yes, yet your panic borne of terrors looms far greater to you than that.
Loss of limb may be greater to you than loss of Life. Loss of youth seems to be a great preventer of happiness. You know that you are greater than skin-deep, yet how you would treasure your lost youth back and firm skin with it.
You may say to yourself often enough:
“What is the matter with me? What on Earth is going on with me? If I desire Peace, why do I constantly find obstacles to it? It’s not like I don’t know better. I know better, yet I persist in sabotaging myself. Or do I kid myself? It can’t be that I would prefer the agony of struggle. Who in their right mind would?
“I am fraught with worry. If I do this to myself, what do I do to others? What rashes within them do I bring to the surface?
“I rush up and roar and then I give up. I give myself over to that which I do not want at all.
“Where are You, God that I am left outside the Kingdom?
“Oh, yes, I can hear You, God, say that it can only be I who leaves me outside the Kingdom. Or, You would say, that I am within the Kingdom, yet I do not see.
“God, open my eyes wide then that I can see. Help me to see the world as You do see the world!
“I wonder sometimes, in Your eagerness to help me see that You may hit me hard over the head, and yet I still do not see. I lie down before You, asking You to help me see once and for all, and still I do not see the Glory You see and give.
“I know I am better off knowing about the Glory You represent than not knowing about it. Better I lose it than I never have a glimpse of it. Honestly, I don’t know what is what, and I seem to be incapable of living Peace. Even as I say this, I know this cannot be true, even as it seems to be true and real to me in a wasteland where my Life seems to be kept.
“Where do I belong? I understand that you gave me the Earth to multiply myself, yet it is my grief that I multiply. It must be that I believe You carry responsibility for my misery. No, I know You don’t, God, that it cannot be that You do. You don’t stick misery in my heart, yet how can it possibly be that I would choose misery over You? I would finally like to know what is the matter with me that I wear clothes for mourning when I could hightail it with You, with You, God, with You.
“An inch away from You is too long and too far. If I am truly alive with You in my Heart, how can I feel so desolate?
“Yes, God, I know You will tell me. I know You beckon me. You will say to me:
‘Come a little closer, My Friend. One little step, and you will know naught but being in My Heart, Our One Heart where We reside in Heaven and on Earth. Get set, ready, go!’”