In A Course in Miracles Jesus says: “You have been afraid of God, of me, of yourselves, and of practically everyone you know at one time or another.” And yes, I used to be afraid of everyone and everything, but at the time no one would talk about his fear, so I pretended to enjoy life. In truth I was very scared and had never learned to stand up for myself. This meant that in the jobs that I had over the years -I used to be a secretary- I would not dare to tell my boss that it became too much for me and always when something very important was going on, I would be the one who had to do the job. This put a lot of extra strain on me and just before my 30th birthday it resulted in a stomach perforation and I needed emergency surgery. All the stress that I had accumulated inside of me poured out, but still I was not ready to start facing my fears. It needed two more extensive periods of illness (always caused by stress) before I was advised to go and see a psychiatrist. This psychiatrist was the nicest shrink ever and he told me that there was little wrong with me except that I was afraid and he helped me to overcome that. In my early forties I had a burn-out and was no longer able to work and this truly was a blessing.
I was raised a Roman Catholic and wanted to know the answer to the question; “What are we on Earth for”. Because of my poor health I needed to rest a lot and for many years I was only able to stay up a couple of hours a day. All this time in bed made me face my fears and little by little I let go of them. Many times my ego still got the better of me and several times after following my ego I got very sick and then I would have no choice but to look at my remaining fears again. I was very much aware that I could not function until all of my anxiety had gone, but there were still two things from the past that were in the way and I could not let go off them until I would have said to the people concerned what was still bothering me after so many years. Then, now 12 years ago, I was helped in a miraculous way to say what I needed to say and I was free at last. The world no longer had a hold on me.
I said to the Holy Spirit of God “Tell me what to do” but I had no idea what would be coming. I was no longer in the driver’s seat.
Only when I was about 50 years old I started reading the Bible and I read the Gospels many times, trying to find out what Jesus was trying to tell me. I became aware that I needed to follow his example and share and then the urge became so strong that I could no longer resist. I had been procrastinating because I was afraid of what people might think or say, but then I decided to care about that no longer.
In 1999 there was an article in the newspaper about the publication of A Course in Miracles in Dutch and I knew immediately that this was also meant for me, but it was another two long months before ACIM would become available. As soon as I had the book in my possession I started reading and it was all about God being only love. “Ah“, I thought, “this is what I want“, and I let go of the last bit of resistance I had. Shortly after that, one night I was woken up, there was a flash and I experienced the Love and Peace of God. I was in awe and could not move for an hour. For a moment I was allowed to be in timelessness and this experience is indescribable.
In 2001 I had another wonderful experience.
Some time before I watched a documentary on TV about people who had so many debts that they needed help and my heart went out to them and I thought to myself that if I had a lot of money, I certainly would try to help them all. Then in 1997 I hired a girl for cleaning and she was a single mother of three. Her bike had broken down and I offered to lend her the money to buy another bike. Little by little I found out that she was having financial problems. Every time the bailiff came to her door she would turn to me and I would help her and in this way she could make a new start.
A few years later she told me about her aunt whose partner had left her after 24 years and she had never learned to manage her finances. She had a lot of debts. I was willing to help her but could not know when she would be ready to make a change and I decided that I would wait and if I had to help her I would know somehow. I thought that I would feel it in my heart. She became homeless, she was in a mental hospital, and still I did not feel that I should step in. When 2 years had passed I heard that she had asked someone to lend her money, but the man had refused and he said to me “Even if I would have had money I would not have given it to her, for these people have problems and they only make them worse”. I knew then that now she was really in trouble and I could not stop thinking about her. The next evening when I was in bed thinking about her, suddenly there was a Presence and I asked, “Must I do it?”, “Yes“, was the answer. I wanted to make absolutely sure and asked “But I may lose . . . . . guilders”. “Do it anyway”. So I picked up the phone and called her niece for I had only seen her once for a few minutes and did not know her telephone number. I told the niece that I expected her aunt at my house at 5 pm the next Monday, and I hoped that she would not come, but of course she came. It turned out that the same morning she had been at the court because she had not paid the rent for several months and she had told the judge that maybe there was someone who was willing to help her.
The total of her debts was more than I had in my bank-account and I asked a friend and a relative to lend me money, but they both refused. Then I asked the bank for a loan and together we paid her bills.
When family and friends found out what I was doing they got very worried, but I just went ahead for had not They told me to do so?
I expected that everything would go smoothly, but I was in for a surprise for the telephone company suddenly sent her the bills for many months and I had to go back to the bank again.
She used to come to see me every week, but then one day she did not come. I could not reach her by telephone and got very worried that she would spend all the money in her bank-account that was meant to pay off the last debt and also to pay me back a certain amount. What I did then was out of fear and I falsified her signature and paid the bailiff and myself. The next week she came and it became clear that she never intended to touch the money and the reason why I could not reach her was because her phone was gone. She was not happy with what I did, but said that if the bank would ask she would cover for me. A few months later she decided that she was ready to manage her financings herself and I never saw her again.
Now I know that all this was to prepare me for what still was to come.
More than once it was made clear to me that a child would come and live with me, but I did not have a clue.
Then I hired a young woman to do my shopping once a week. After a short time her husband was fired and accused of fraud, but he did not do anything like that. For several months they did not have any income and I helped them pay the rent and electricity bills.
She had a sister who was only 18, 8 months pregnant and more or less homeless. Since I remembered that a child would come to live with me I thought that this might be it and I offered to take her in to live with me. But it was my ego that made this decision and the girl made me also take in the father of her child, and together they stole my debit card and took a considerable amount from my account. And this served me right!
A few years later I met a Brazilian at one of my neighbors and at first sight we liked one another. I did not know anything about her when she asked me if she could come and live with me if and when her partner would throw her out. There was not warning sign in my heart and I said yes, she could. Two weeks later she came, but I thought she would come alone but also her youngest son of two and a half joined us.
The three of us lived together for 16 months by which time she got a place of her own.
We went through a lot together and it was not always easy. I was advised by a policeman to turn her out, but the thought never ever crossed my mind. People could not understand why I let her stay and continued to support her, but I knew that I was meant to help her and also that I was probably the only one who could deal with the situation.
We have become the best of friends and the little boy has adopted me as his grand-mother, which of course I’m not and I always make sure that people know that I am his “fake” grandma.
Also in this case I needed to help financially and family and friends worry a lot about that, but I have learned to trust and keep telling them that everything will be all right and that in truth everything is all right always and that there is no need to worry and that I do not lose any sleep over it at all.
The following quotation from A Course in Miracles is my favorite and in difficult moments I used to read it to reassure myself:
“You may wonder how you can be at peace when, while you are in time, there is so much that must be done before the way to peace is open. Perhaps this seems impossible to you. But ask yourself if it is possible that God would have a plan for your salvation that does not work. Once you accept His plan as the one function that you would fulfill, there will be nothing else the Holy Spirit will not arrange for you without your effort.
He will go before you making straight your path and leaving in your way no stones to trip on and no obstacles to bar your way. Nothing you need will be denied you. Not one seeming difficulty but will melt away before you reach it. You need take thought for nothing, careless of everything except the only purpose that you would fulfill. As that was given you, so will its fulfillment be. God’s guarantee will hold against all obstacles, for it rests on certainty and not contingency. It rests on you. And what can be more certain than a Son of God?”
And this is what I know to be true. Every time when we ran out of money and needed to pay another bill, the money came from one source or another. Every seeming problem is resolved and I trust that all future seeming problems will be resolved too.
Serving God has become natural for me and I can’t think of anything more fulfilling than being a servant.