Yesterday Marianne poured her heart out to God. And now God answers.
God to Marianne:
There is much I want to say to you, beloved child.
Let's begin with the ending of your heart-spoken letter.
Marianne, stop being strong. Stop holding onto that idea. You see this yourself. Who said you had to be strong? And what does that mean? Does it mean to pretend you are not vulnerable, pretend that you can hold up the whole world, including your expiating others' so-called sins, and come up smiling?
Beloved Marianne, no one could hold up to the burdens you put on yourself.
Your burden is not what your grandmother and mother did. Your burden is your acceptance of their perceptions of it.
There are so many things I want to say to you all at once.
You come from the premise that suicide is a sin, and that God exacts retaliation in equal measure to the sin, no matter whose it was. You are an innocent party who somehow becomes responsible, or you may not even be an innocent party; you could be the reincarnation of the original so-called sinner, in which case you are responsible and deserve everything you get. If this theory could be correct, then God was with you during your pregnancy and took it as a great chance to punish you for, let's say, sin in general.
Marianne, of course I was with you during your pregnancy! On one hand your neighbor indicates that God punishes you at the same time as he abandons you during your pregnancy.
Please erase this idea of sin and punishment.
If am such a Punisher and cruel Taskmaster, how could you open your heart to Me in faith?
Is it barely possible that your pregnancy and your son's challenges and your heartache are not some kind of an eye for an eye?
That is the premise for a drama. It is not a premise for life.
Change the premise to: There is something good here. There is a gift here. God would never separate from me. God would never withdraw His love and substitute pain instead.
Secrets, such as your mother held, assume power. What had to be kept secret? The world says suicide is a disgrace. Secrets would not be held except for the toll the ego exacts. But the effects of the guilt and shame that cause someone to keep something as innocent as a self-imposed death covered up cause greater havoc in their disguise. The name of the secret is hidden, but the heaviness is amplified.
It is not far from the truth to say that all death is chosen, whether it be from illness or accident or self-action. Cause of death and cause of human disappointment and suffering are no more to be judged than anything else.
I am not a swashbuckling God who wreaks vengeance on My children.
Then, you may wonder, how can God be a God Who does not punish and yet be a God Who dispenses reward? And if somehow God can reward His children for their good actions, even if he doesn't punish for bad, where is mine? Where is my reward? When do I get mine?
And then I would say, "Are you the child who only accepts a particular kind of candy, who will throw down the kind that he doesn't ask for?"
It seems trite for Me to say that there is good in everything, but I say it again. Often, My children do not know what is a blessing and what is not. We could talk about this forever. Even from your neighbor's thoughtless words, you redeemed them with a great insight.
Marianne, you say you would feel better if you knew that you were your grandmother reincarnated or that you were the next of kin who had to take on her punishment. How does that make you feel better? Is it that then you would accept your heartache as your due?
I say to you, Accept what life has handed you, because it is yours to accept, not because you are guilty of anything, but because your life is in your lap. Just as your son is yours to take care of, so is your life. Nourish your life with the love and kindness you bestow on Joseph.
You were deeply perceptive with your neighbor. Yes, she strikes chords that are within you. At the same time, it seems that your neighbor continues to make cruel uncalled-for statements. You do not need to present yourself for her target. You were kind and gave her a chance to be a friend. She is not proving herself a friend to you. Just wave to her in the future and keep pushing your stroller. If she chases after you and makes such a fatalistic remark to you again, say to her, "Why would you say something like that?" Keep walking, dear Marianne. You certainly do not need to listen to the voice of doom and damnation.
Seek out the people who share My thoughts with you.
Take a whole afternoon to cry. Cry it out. You are brave. You don't have to be strong. You feel hurt and anger and betrayal and so on. Let them flow out with your tears. Strength doesn't keep them in. Strength lets them out.
You are brave in your honesty and your forthrightness. Above all, dear Marianne, you shine in My light. Oh, yes, I never forget you, and you are never without Me. I will help you tend for your life as you tend for your son's. I am responsible for you, but you are only responsible for that of his life that is yours to tend. You are not responsible for his life entire. I bless you, and I bless your husband, and I bless Joseph in all his radiance. I am forever your God.
Mother Mary to Marianne:
Where do you think you are enfolded if not with me? Greater than the folds of my gown is the warmth of my arms. My arms encircle you and your family and embrace you to my heart. I soothe your head. I anoint your feet. I caress your face. I take you up with me to Heaven and to God, the Father, and we dance in the lightness of Heaven, and we know the truth of life, and when I set you back on earth, you will feel less trouble and more joy, for I have pressed joy upon you. I have pressed my lips to your cheeks, to Joseph's, and your husband's, and to your neighbor's, and now the world has changed, and you will love me as I love you, and together we will love as love is. Our name is love, blessed Marianne, mother of Joseph. We will engage each other again.
I lift your spirits, and I lift your eyes, and now you will lift your life and rest your heart with mine, for now is the time, and the time is now.
I bestow beauty upon you and the scents of Heaven, and now I entrust your life to you, blessed daughter of love and happiness. Remember my love for you, and all will be well.