Margaret to God:
My Dear Heavenly Father, thank You for all the wonderful words You have given me already. I reread them almost daily, and certainly whenever I feel that I'm losing my peace of mind or becoming overshadowed by the situation.
I feel encouraged by Nancy's admission of embarrassment to Gloria and by Your words to her and to Diane. I feel embarrassed, too, I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm baring my soul to the word processor (and who knows who else).
Maybe that's why many of us have a hard time addressing You directly, too. Or maybe it's just ego. But anyway, here goes:
I tried so hard to make it a positive event when my son came to visit — made a welcome sign, took him out to his favorite restaurant, spoke to him from my heart, tried really, really hard to be open in mind and heart to his point of view and his needs, and prayed about it a lot.
It was wonderful to be with him at first. (By the way, I'm deliberately not using his name out of respect for his privacy. But I'll try to use Yours more, Dear God.) But, once he got home and started to relax, it was pretty scary. There were rules set up for his first home visit.
Because of his drug history, he was to be supervised at all times, especially if with his friends. He had agreed to these guidelines and so had I, but once he got here and friends were calling, he just left the house. He didn't forget the rules, he just refused to honor them.
The bottom line for him is: he is unwilling to acknowledge any boundaries or requirements whatsoever from me or anyone else. He thinks that is "freedom". I think when he can't get himself to come up with the slightest bit of cooperation for anyone else, he's out of control, out of self-control.
I told him I understood his feelings, but couldn't condone his actions. He wanted me to lie to his counselors about it, but I wouldn't. I also refused to argue with him about it, or to cajole or nag or harass him about it like I used to do. He wants to be treated like an adult, and to berate him for his behavior would have damaged his and my dignity, I see that now.
What I did do was to decide to turn it over to You. You know I agonized over what to do for several hours until I acknowledged that there is nothing I can do for my son right now, maybe there never was.
I give it to You. I can't have him living with me in his present mindset, and I can't change his mindset. So I have to lovingly let him go. And the fact is, I don't know what that means, whether he'll run away, or be sent somewhere else or what.
But I do know that You love him and You love me, so I am wanting really hard to trust that You will find a solution that will be best for both of us. I say "wanting to trust" because, although I do trust that You will orchestrate whatever is best, I have to ask You to help me with that over and over again, every day. And every day, please help me to remember that You love me and You love him, too. I keep slipping.
I made this decision not in retaliation for his rebellion, not to "show him" anything, and not out of self-righteousness or to punish or control him. I didn't do it because I think it's "right"; I have no idea what is "right" in this situation. I did it for myself. I've lived with him before when he's out of control. It's painful for me, and I don't see where it ever did him any good, either. I feel I can't do it that way again, maybe I "ought" to, but I just can't.
So I told him and his program directors not to plan on sending him here when they discharge him unless there's some huge change in his behavior. At least this way one of us will be in less pain.
He, for his part, has retaliated. He is so angry at what he seems to think of as my betrayal of him, that he is on strike. He will not leave his room at the program, and he will not speak to any adults or participate in any of the activities. Personally, I see this as progress — at least it isn't indifference. But I hate knowing how much he hurts, and continues to hurt himself.
So, dearest Almighty Father, I lay this at Your feet. I'm afraid for my son, although less so when he's back in his program, where he is at least safe, which he isn't when he's running loose at home.
I beg You to bolster me through this time, and bolster him through it even more. Help me let go of what I never had hold of anyway, and be in a loving place about it. Thank You, dear God.
God to Margaret:
My dear child, Margaret, the truth-teller.
Your son does not have to be in your sight for you to love him. You have not abandoned him or absconded from him. You had some hard decisions to make, and you made them.
I want to make two corrections in your thinking. It is not that your son is out of control. It is that he is in control. He is very much trying to control. When he lets go of it, he will start enjoying. When he lets go of control, he will just be.
If he did not fear losing his control, he would then be able to cooperate. His very control makes him unable to cooperate. If he knew he did not need to control, he could then be seen as willing to cooperate.
With that out of the way, I wonder if you see your tremendous growth from your first letter to Me and this one.
Growth comes from honesty.
And now your growth comes from reliance on Me. Reliance on Me is freedom from attachment.
When your beloved son, the prodigal son, whom I shall call J., puts his energy into moving forward instead of digging his feet in, do you see a glimpse of his blessingness of good to the world?
The main thing now, Beloved Margaret, is to give your broken-heartedness to Me to mend. In return, I shall give you great joy. Your time is coming. Joy replaces mourning, and the sun shall shine on your face.
Today, or tomorrow, write down all the things you are grateful for. This is an easy-going list. Light a candle and write your list as you soak in the tub, if you like.
As your heart settles into Mine, My love and My strength will sustain you. That same love and strength will sustain J.
I am grateful for your strength of character. I am grateful to receive your attention and to give you Mine. We exchange gratitude.
The trust I have in you is upheld.
Think of J. without his iron bar of control called resistance. Picture him smiling and finding himself with Me.
J. has your strength, golden-hearted Margaret, and one day he will have your truthfulness.
All this that has occurred is progress. It is not loss. Deep in your heart, you know this.
Your son has taken an ocean voyage where you cannot go, but I can. I go with him.
One day he will return to your shore, and step off the ship with light in his heart and appreciation for you, his mother.
You did not birth him in vain.
And I pick you up as well, for you are also my prodigal child, dear Margaret; you have come home to Me, and with great joy I receive you, as you one day will receive J.
Release him and love him and picture the goodness of his future. All I whisper to you, I whisper to him.
There is not a Heavenreader here, Margaret, who does not have you deep in their heart and their love, and they join you in your prayers for the well-being and upliftment of J.
Through you, Heavenreaders are learning what sharing is. Instead of wanting all love for themselves, they feel My love washing over you, and they are glad. Their love joins Mine, and they know the joy of unselfishness.
Each one feels:
"God, never mind me right now. Give my share of love and attention to Margaret. Here, I give the love You have given me, God, and I give it directly to Margaret. I place it in her heart like a flower, like an offering to You, and so I give back to You a sprinkle of the love You have given me. In that act, my heart fills up with more of Your love, and I know Your love; my heart overflows with it, and that is My sharing of you."
Margaret, I place a crown of rose-flowers on your head. I press petals of love to your forehead, your eyes, and I overcome your heart. I put bouquets into your arms, and I send a thousand angels to you and a score to J.
You will feel My blessings wash over you today, and you will know what they are. J. will feel them and not know what they are, but he will have received them.
I set pillows at your back and gold slippers on your feet, and I embrace you with great joy.
We will talk every day, and I will follow you everywhere, Me and My angels.
You will feel Us lift you up.
You are forevermore carried by angels and the love of God.