Gloria:
Dear God, I would like to go back to my friend's comment about winners and losers. Two things —
First, if someone as precious as my friend divides people that way, what do other people do?
Second, by my very belief in not making judgments like winner/loser, how do I know that on some level it wasn't "right" for my friend to make that statement? Maybe I was supposed to hear it, that in fact, it was ordained for my friend to say that in order to shake me up!
God:
Right or wrong, Gloria, it is to pass by, as a simple leaf falling or a fork you dropped, or an eyelash. No more than that. That's how much anything is.
Gloria:
What else happened is that Bran did not show up. He was supposed to come between 7 and 7:15. At quarter to eight, I tracked him down on the phone. He said I was next on his list to call and he couldn't make it for dinner. He had meant to call me all day to tell me, but his day had gotten away from him. And he had already eaten! He said he had to eat because all he had had all day was an energy bar.
You know the lengths I went to to prepare that meal. He doesn't eat dairy, sugar, salt, or any meat or eggs. I had made homemade spaghetti sauce, imported Italian spaghetti, winter squash, green beans, okara patties, an avocado and grapefruit salad, bought an expensive olive and rosemary bread, and I had ordered a raw lime pie from Ginnie. I had made hors d'oevres. I had set the table with great care, bought a hyacinth for a centerpiece. The time and money I spent. And I put typing for You aside, please forgive me. Is this an example of my not being true to myself?
Frankly, nothing Bran said on the phone made any sense. No apology, but excuses, very lame ones.
Something changed from when he wanted to take a walk with me, come to my house just to feel my "vibrations", his feeling too shy to even ask me, and now this.
In actuality, I sensed something at his office. When he mentioned coming to my house, he said, "I still want to see you." It's the "still" I wondered about. This man who puts words together so gently, so perfectly, with such loving tone, didn't. It wasn't: "I'd love to have a meal at your house."
Over the phone, I simply said he was under a lot of pressure, and let it go.
So, Lauren came over, and in 20 minutes we ate all the courses, and I ate wheat that Bran had told me not to!
You and Lauren are my friends, God. Also Karen and Florence and Barbara, but You and Lauren put up with me the most.
Now, going back to judgment, how do I know that Bran's standing me up wasn't the perfect thing?
I'll certainly be careful about idolizing anyone ever again.
With this, and my friend's comment, I certainly have a better picture of who I am, and I think it's pretty good, God, if I do say so myself.
God:
Yes.
Gloria:
Now that I have vented all over the place, what would You like to tell me?
God:
Read A Course in Miracles.
Later…
Gloria:
Dear God, I keep thinking about the title of Your Book, and I had an impression of the words, Love Letters from God, as though they were a pictograph of the meaning, or a Japanese poem. The words Love Letters fluttered down from Heaven like leaves or raindrops or the ink of the words melting.
Also in my mind I am composing the cover letter to publishers. I thought of the literary agent's comment about HEAVEN being free-flowing, and I thought that even The Ten Commandments are listed 1 to 10, and that doesn't seem to do it for people. Something has to happen to their consciousness. When it's moved, they will live the Ten Commandments.
Beyond advice has to be an understanding, an insight, a frame for the advice to fit in. In all the book is Your love streaming through. It is felt. It runs through the bloodstream. I have also felt that the lyricism of the words themselves settle the nervous system or enliven it.
God:
Yes. You are correct. So in your letter and selections from HEAVEN that you send, you will educate the editor. Again, do this whole process as though he were an employer and the applicant lays out his virtues in the employer's language.
Later…
Gloria to God:
Dear Heavenly Father, I live in a world of ignorance. Have I just found this out? I've known the world was upside-down for a long time, but when people like my friend and Bran are part of the craziness, I am astonished. But no longer will I be.
God:
You are losing your idyllic conception of those certain few idols of yours. You have always been comfortable looking up to people. You like that position. The youngest of five is used to it.
Look up to Me, and not other people. Look across at other people. Know your stature. Know your view of the world. Look up to yourself, for you have modeled yourself after Me. You attribute yourself after Me. You are a tribute to Me. I tell you this so you have more confidence in yourself from all points of view. Spiritual, yes. And your way in the world.
Your heart has been aching over Bran's standing you up.
Gloria:
Yes, it feels like such a slap. I can never go to Bran again for a healing session. Maybe that's what he wanted, that I wouldn't. Maybe because I didn't have the money to make full payment. Dangling me like that was some sort of control. We will never have a good talk, as I had imagined. Well, God, it's the end of illusion.
God:
Yes. That one.
Gloria:
Maybe I am growing up. Thank You for all Your help. And maybe I should thank Bran for waking me up and for my friend for showing me my values. I think of Corrie Ten Boom and her sisters who expressed their gratitude for whatever came their way in the concentration camp, even for the fleas.
I am grateful for You, dear God, for Lauren, Sunshine and Ginger, for Karen, for my beautiful home, for my health, for the dear friends I do have, for my mind, for my books, my life, for Christ, and again for You. I'm even going to be grateful for my overweight and my appetite! For gray hair! For wrinkles!
Now I will go meditate in great gratitude for that divine gift from our teachers.
Well, dear Father, am I excused?
God:
I was just going to say it's time for you to meditate. See you in that silent place in Our hearts.