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Turning to Love

OK, Maria’s discourse on pain and suffering, made me realize that now it’s time to tell my story. I’ll try to make it as brief as possible:

I was born in Finland in a stormy night of September 29th -seventh of my parents’ eleven children. We were very poor but this didn’t bother us children at all, because we had so much fun between us, and our mother and father always made us feel safe and secure. They were always there.
As soon as I was compelled to face the world outside my family, I learned what fear was. On many occasions I was attacked and mocked and ridiculed for what I was, and so I learned, little by little, to hide my true self and the natural joy and self-confidence of my childhood. I was afraid of everything. Most of all, I was afraid of God, of this old angry man sitting on the clouds, judging every single thought and act of mine, as He was presented by the Lutheran religion. I just wanted to run away from Him. But somewhere underneath there was a faith in me. I used to pray a lot to Jesus, but I didn’t seem to get any answers from Him.
When I was 19, I met my future husband in London. He was Italian, so after a couple of years, I moved to Italy. There were signs and people who told me not to go, but then it seemed the only thing I could do, as if there were a path I was destined to follow. The first years in a new country were happy as I was busy in learning new things and in settling down. But when we were finally settled down, with all the daily problems resolved, one morning I just woke up wondering what I’d done: suddenly I realized that I was there, with a completely strange man, in a completely strange country, where nobody knew me, where there was nobody who could share my past and my way of being. I was recognized only as the wife of my husband. I’d completely lost my own identity, with my roots cut off.
I thought that my children would give me a family and a new identity but their birth made me even more isolated, because I had to leave my job to stay at home with them, as I had no one who could take care of them even for one hour. I became deeply depressed, so depressed that even though I thought of dying, I was too depressed to commit suicide.
I’d always been afraid of the moment I’d have to face the death of someone I loved, and when this happened and my father died, I touched the bottom. I was totally immersed in a darkness from which I could see no way out.
One day I was sitting in the park with my little son playing near me, and I was nothing else but a hard black stone closed on itself, when a man riding a bicycle passed by. He kept looking at me with a smile and some admiration in his eyes. And it was as if a beam of light made its way into my heart and I was struck by the thought that if this man could see me, then I still existed!
From this moment on a new life started for me. I went to a psychologist, but it didn’t last long, because I realized that she didn’t understand at all what I was feeling. Then one day I felt compelled to buy a spiritual book entitled: ‘Knowing yourself to love God.’ That was the beginning of a long list of spiritual books and seminars and workshops and yoga… anything that could seem spiritual. In a few months time I took the 1st and 2nd level of Reiki. And when my mother died, I was strong enough to comfort my brothers and sisters in spite of my own sorrow.
I intensified my spiritual search and wanted to communicate with the other realms and be a channel for beautiful messages of love and hope. I got tied up with a lady who was seemingly receiving true messages from her guides and one day I started receiving messages myself. For one week I felt I was in Heaven: I waited for God to come and take me to His ‘castle’ because I was to be His wife and give birth to the new saviour, after Jesus. I was so in love with Him, and He would have resolved all my earthly problems. I was supposed to announce the birth of the new saviour in church, at the wedding of my niece, but when I told this to my elder sister (mother of the spouse), she got very angry and said that I was not to do anything of the sort and that I was not to spoil their wedding. It was as if I received a big punch in my stomach. Suddenly I was terrorized and the - until then - loving voice turned into many horrible voices that started torturing me. They said that I was actually the wife of the devil, of all the demons, and that they would never leave me alone and I would live ever after with them in the deepest hell. To make it brief, for one week I was faced with all my fears and my deep beliefs, one by one, by these voices that would go on nagging night and day. At the end, they became very mean and rude, when they realized I would get free of them.
I was saved by my sister (mother of the spouse) who to this day says she doesn’t know who was guiding her, but she knew exactly what to do and where to go, even though we were in a completely strange town. I met many wonderful people who blessed me without making any questions.
It was at the home of the local priest, in a reunion of people singing hymns (whom I normally considered fanatic religious people), with a most beautiful voice singing through my mouth the hymns I didn’t know, that I felt a peace explode inside me like I’d never known before, nor afterwards, and I heard a voice say, ‘Now, you leave this daughter of God alone!’ The voices disappeared at once but then they came back again, because they said I’d invited them back. Little by little they became more feeble, until one night, when I was too tired to listen to them, I said, ‘OK, I’ll be the wife of God, the spouse of Jesus, whatever you want, but I don’t want to listen to you anymore’. I felt a warm kiss on my brow and never heard the voices again.
Only much later did I realize that it was my ego that wanted to make itself beautiful in the eyes of people, to be admired and LOVED, and that I’d made contact with some astral levels.
I became much more selective about my spirituality and started finally to use my discernment. I also discovered Internet, which I’d abhorred until then, and for days and days I sat in front of my computer before I found the courage to offer my translations to a spiritual website. I didn’t think I was good enough. Suddenly a completely new path opened in front of me. I was finally doing something on my own, without depending on other people. Every time I started feeling that there had to be something more than the website I was translating for, a new website came up and someone offered to do the translations for the old site. I kept growing along with the messages I translated, and miracles started to happen in my life.
When my daughter had a car accident and her boyfriend died, I was strong enough to hold a higher vision for everyone involved. I could feel God’s love pouring through my heart to lift my daughter and all the other people at the funeral. In this occasion there was another ‘coincidence’ as I discovered Suzy Ward’s books which tell about life after death. They are transmitted by Suzy’s son Matthew, who died in a car accident – and my daughter’s boyfriend was called Matteo. So, I felt this was a sign for me to translate these books in Italian.
When my father-in-law, whom I loved very much, died two years ago (on my birthday!), I could feel joy and peace for his freedom. I was almost annoyed with all the other people crying, as I realized that when we lose a loved one, we actually cry for ourselves and not for the person who’s gone away. I know that we must live out the pain and the sorrow when they are fresh but then we must let go, so that we and our loved ones can go on with our lives here on Earth or in Heaven.
I still keep asking God why He doesn’t give me precise instructions on how to proceed in my life, as I only want to do His Will. But the answer I get is that I (we) promised to make it by myself (by ourselves) to emerge from darkness to light. So, I know I am doing this for God, for myself and for all of us. There is help available but we must ask, ask and ask, as no one in Heaven will go against our free will. It’s a God’s law and sometimes I feel they are even too obedient to it in Heaven.
This is not an easy path but as God told me recently through Gloria: “All the while you are coming closer to your Self. The ride is often not smooth, and yet you ride it out.”
:( :? :shock: :x :D
It was not easy for me to write this story. It seems too long for the forum, and yet I’ve told only a little part; there’s so much more to it that I could write a book. But I hope that at least one thing is clear: it is possible to see a higher vision in the midst of pain.
Love is the Answer.

Turning to Love

Dear Paula,

Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!!! For sharing as you did your own path.
No post is too long or too short when they come from the Heart as I feel yours did.

Please feel free to add more when you will feel up to it!
Namaste to you!


We never know the travaille someone has had. And it becomes as if it never was.

I imagine that we all have had our share.

A good reason for us to be kind to all.

Well, dear Paula, you have sure transcended pain and blessed us in the process.

In a way, it seems to me that we've all be transplanted.

Serge, does Paula know where to find your memorable spiritual journey? It is unforgettable. I supposed if we boiled down everyone's spiritual journey, they would be the same.

Serge, I long to see more of your posts! Well, everyone's!

Love and blessings,


The journey continues...

Thank you Paula to share your difficult, suffered, but in any case intense and beautiful life. It seemed strange to me when I started to read your story because I was born too in a big family, I am the eighteen and we were nine (plus 3 little sisters dead and 3 abortions: poor mum!). I thought that these big families existed only in Italy or in the so-called third world! You know, in my case the same greatness of my family “è servita” - sorry, I’m not able to translate this verb! allowed perhaps? “to hide my true self and the natural joy and self-confidence of my childhood”, as you wrote. I don’t remember joy and self-confidence in my childhood. Indeed…I don’t remember almost nothing of my childhood! Anyway, the joy, I mean that joy without reason, the joy which comes from our spirit, i.e. from God, appeared sometimes here and there in the last years. And this is good.
To continue to tell my spiritual path, I ever felt dissatisfaction since I was young. As little child, I didn’t want to grow up (this I remember it!), I saw the great didn’t seem so happy! My father was a painter, above all a fresco-painter and a great designer. The family all rotated around him. In one sense this was even correct, I thought when I grown up… but when you are a little baby you want attention and caresses and so on. And you desire that your parents understand your needs and demands, not only of your body, and try to direct you toward your path… As you can understand, my parents, above all my father, didn’t allow me to follow his same path, as I shyly showed here and there. This is my greater regret, to be not able to express my creativity, but I gave up with inculpate him. And, in a bizarre way, this happened exactly when I wrote a biography of him for the catalogue of a retrospective exhibition, seven years ago. With picking up information on his life - I was one of the last children, so I didn’t live and know a lot of things of my parents! - I understood better him and his reasons and also his faults and limits. And I stopped - even more bizarre! - to live him as a phantasm just when he was died, while during his life he was a huge phantasm!!!
But the true, the only phantasm against whom it is impossible for me to fight - and I’m thinking this now while I write - is the Santa Romana Cattolica e Apostolica Chiesa!!! Oh poor Italians! I think this is the worst misfortune that could happen to us. I am harsh, I know, and I apologize with all people who acknowledge themselves in the Catholic Church. In my case - but I know a lot of people who live the same thing and I recognize now the “symptoms” everywhere around me and in the Italian society - this cumbersome presence has been and is still very very heavy to live. It permeated our feelings, darkened our thoughts, above all it permitted that we live always with permanent senses of guilt. Even, you know, in those families where there is not at all a religious observance, even in the atheistic families. I’m sorry if I seem (no, if I AM!!!) so harsh (do you see? I always apologize myself…). To make it brief, these phantasms I had and I have to fight. I know, it is not the case to fight, it should be better do not fight…
While I moved with my family from the South Italy toward Florence before, then Cairo, Egypt (where my father was teacher for many years) and finally Milan, my life developed and I followed the “normal” path of a woman, a husband, a marvellous child (now he is 30 and he is the “light of my eyes”, as we says in Italy!), then a divorce and another companion, with whom I still live. Always with my more or less latent dissatisfaction, which led me to experience several paths, from the psychoanalysis to a lot of courses to the acquaintance of many dear and beautiful people. And in the meanwhile the life/death/life asked for her tributes and a friend of mine committed suicide and my brother (the last one) went away and then my mother, then a boy-friend, and my father… Each death showed me something and actually I became stronger but also less rigid, more desirous to go toward the others… but again and always incapable to go into myself, to establish a relationship with my “Sé Superiore” (another word that doesn’t appears on the dictionary!), I mean my deeper inner part. This lack of true contact with my self cause again dissatisfaction and eagerness… I tried many times to begin to meditate, to lead my mind to calm down, but I’m not able if I’m alone and in some courses I attended I always found (the last in these days) so much fanaticism or simply too many religious characteristics. That means that they urge my Fear. Perhaps I am not ready, perhaps this is not my way, perhaps my mind is too (falsely) powerful or my will is very weak… or perhaps all these reasons and also some other, but now I am in this impasse. And obviously I suffer (the favourite sport!). I get confused (this appears often in my dreams), my mind works too much, there is too much theories that I’m not able to apply. “Give yourself up”, “think with your heart!”… yes, they are very beautiful words, but this is the problem: I’m not able!!! Something blocks me. The Fear, I think, but to know this doesn’t help me.
…I’m sorry, this seems more and more a confession of my psychological problems. Nevertheless I think I am not the only one with this kind of problems, even among people who open to spiritual paths. So I post without omissions or erasures.
As I wrote above, sometimes the joy appears, and this is a sufficient reason to continue in my journey! Furthermore it means that something happens into myself!

Dear Maria

I had to print your story in order to read it properly; it is so interesting and so similar to mine. Don't apologize for exposing 'your psychological problems' - that's what life is about in the end: the events and happenings are just a stage or a background for the inner life which is the 'real' that we always carry with us! And this gives us a great possibility because we can always change perspective. Just like you changed your perspective towards your father, you can change perspective to anything that happened in your life.

Your story made me think a lot about my childhood and my life. My father was just a 'poor worker' and I just realized that, eventhough he used to beat us with a little branch of a birch when we did something forbidden, I was never afraid of him nor did I condemn him for this. I knew he was doing his best and I felt he was doing it unwillingly, so I loved him so much.
My mother was a very strong personality and I'd been blaming her for not having been able to live my teens, but after her death I wrote a book about her life based on her own diaries (isn't it funny that you did the same for your dad?) and I realized that she too had been doing her best. And she didn't stop me from living my teenage, it was I who didn't want to live that way. I wanted to remain a child, just like you.

I wish to say, however, that I don't consider my life one of suffering. Maybe it seemed like suffering at the moment, but now I know that every bit of it has been a blessing! I am by no means free of fear and anguish. Just last night I was worried because my son was out celebrating Halloween and I relaxed only when he came home (4 o'clock in the morning). But I do KNOW that my son has to live his own life and that I am only afraid of my own suffering. And I know that suffering will pass by and transform into love and light.

Dear Maria, if you want to contact me directly and talk in Italian my email address is: g [dot] forabosco [at] tin [dot] it eventhough you're doing well also in English. I just thought that maybe the other people won't be happy if we exchange views in Italian on the forum. It depens also on what Gloria thinks about this - about using other languages on the site.
Anyway, I am always available and I love you so much.
P.S. I love and accept your light added to mine. :D


I love other languages on the forum. I love the English too. I love reading your sharing. It really brings out the best and deepest in us, I think, when we have a person we're talking to.

And is it nice for you to share? It sure is nice for the rest of us!

Everyone who reads what you girls write can only feel deeper in their hearts.

God bless you.

With love,


Cara Gloria

It's more than nice to share like this! It's sharing from heart to heart. I feel it's more than just words, it's an energy beneath the words. I think something wonderful happened in this weekend dedicated to all the saints and all the deceased here in Italy!


Hello Heaven people! If you will find a good English in the e-mail which follows is thanks to Paula who translated it for me. So thank you very much, Paula. To whom I wrote (oh this is conceptual writing art!):

Dear Paula,
thank you for your beautiful letter, you have no idea how you lighten my
heart. I was thinking that as I often visit one of my sisters in San Marino,
we could meet somewhere near or I could come to visit you, if you like.
As regards the exchange of messages in Italian, I think it's not possible,
as it would mean excluding so many other people, don't you think? Thank you
anyway for the possibility of writing to you in Italian. I already found
your email address as I was reading your translations of Tobias' channels
and I intended to use it.
Yes, it's funny how sometimes some lives that intersect can be so similar
in the details. It's not a coincidence, of course, and it's not a
coincidence that we both live in Italy even though we met through an American
website. What beautiful surprising fascinating coincidences!!
Thank you for letting me notice that, despite everything, you do not consider
your life one of suffering. Actually, I think that every event and every
suffering and even every tragedy are really blessings for those who can
catch the lesson they offer. It took me such a long time to learn this and
even now, when I find myself in the middle of a storm, I often resist, but
after all this is how things are, so welcome life and welcome everything you offer us.
I 'm so happy I got to know you, even if only virtually. But what on earth am I saying? This sharing of light and love is not virtual at all!
Thank you too, Gloria. Of course it is wonderful to share in this way. My heart risks bursting. Or melting… (the English of the last sentence is only mine, it is evident…)